Everyone wants to know these days how I’m feeling. My budding baby belly prompts assumptions or curiosities about my physical well-being.(And trust me, people only ask because I’m pregnant), I usually say “just tired.” I constantly use this human I’m growing as justification for being fatigued. I blame my short comings and failures in life on the life inside of me. Because I can, because it’s expected.
But let’s forget for a moment that I’m pregnant. That I am constantly exhausted. That I can’t hardly make it up the stairs without feeling like I need a break at the top. That half the time when I sit on the floor to change a diaper or help build blocks or put something away that I feel like I may never (ever!) get up again. That sometimes when my children ask me to do something, I actually reply “honey, mommy just can’t right now. I’m too tired.”
What if I tell you the truth that no mommy wants to share: I don’t know that much would be different if I wasn’t pregnant. That my exhaustion and fatigue and failures would still exist because of the THREE other tiny humans I am constantly in charge of.
No one wants to talk about their shortcomings as a mommy. No one wants to admit when they fail, unless it’s an epic fail that they can joke about and flaunt all over social media. No mommy truthfully ever says “I’m just so tired from being a mommy.” Because we can’t, because it’s not expected.
When was the last time you asked a mommy how she was feeling? Not the social “how are you?” or “how’s it going?” Not in the context of pregnancy, newborn life or true sickness. But just on a normal day: “How are you feeling?”
It’s never happened in my 7 year mommy career. Because as mommies we’re expected to have it all together. We can joke about it being hard. Sometimes we can even spill out the realities of mommying all over a blog or lengthy Facebook post. But it’s expected that the moment is fleeting and we are back to being super, perfect mommies the next moment. Or at least pretending to revel in every moment. Or at least pretending like we are doing more than merely survive.
But MY truth is much murkier, less pretty, and much less idyllic. The truth is mommying is hard and exhausting pretty much all the time for me. That I have regular short comings. That I fail often. That I never accomplish as much as I feel like I should. As much as I think other people think I should. That at the end of most days, human growing inside me or not, I feel exhausted and unaccomplished.
It’s not that I don’t do anything all day. I am constantly changing diapers, making meals, managing snacks, looking for water cups, refereeing arguments, nagging my children to clean up after themselves, giving my children worthwhile life experiences. All the things I did as a preschool teacher, that I got paid for, I do now for free. Plus I have about a thousand other things that I’m responsible for (did I mention the THREE other small humans that are literally my life?)
It’s not that I’m complaining, or asking for pity. It’s not that I’m expecting anyone to do anything. I just want to be able to blame things on just being a mommy without feeling like a failure or like an unappreciative, whiney and lazy SAHM. When I say I’m tired I don’t want the response “of course you are, you’re pregnant. Plus you have three other kids.” I don’t want my out-of-belly kids to be the plus, I just want people to realize that they are enough on their own.
thank you for being brave and saying this. I am teary-eyed reading it because you are right. Being Mommy is hard and exhausting- and not just sometimes. It is the great gift and the hardest thing in life all at the same time. All of your children, born are unborn, are lucky to have a mom who worries about whether she is a doing a good job- because the fact that you worry about it means that you are an amazing mom! #momsupport
Thank you so much, Tara! I appreciate your kind words and just wish we could be more open about it. The stigma of “supermom” is not doing our children any good. I want my children to know up how much I love and adore them but also the time, energy and sacrifices I’ve made for them so they appreciate all they have in life and are better prepared for parenthood themselves one day.
This post is so fantastic. I feel this way often – and I only have 2 kids! I get the “benefit” of saying I’m also a working mom (Not implying SAHM is not “work”) but I know even if I wasn’t I would still have all the same frustrations and exhaustions as I have right now. It’s nice to hear people say out loud the things you’re thinking inside. When I had my first baby I hated it – I know that sounds awful but I had to learn how to take care of this constantly crying bundle and that was hard work! Maybe some day I’ll blog about that wonderful struggle, but man, I thought I might just die from exhaustion and the worst anxiety back then. Of course I learned to love my little bundle, and I learned how to survive in a zombie-like state for 9 months, and it’s all good now.
I’m convinced you’re a fantastic mom who sometimes may appreciate a little time to herself! ;) Keep up the great posts!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Jessica! Being a mommy is never easy whether you stay home or work full time or something in between (unless maybe you have a live in nanny and maid!) I’ve done a little bit of all of it: staying at home full time, working 4 part time jobs, being only my own 1/2 the time while my husband traveled, working evenings…NONE of it is easy!
I feel like I could have written this post. (Except I’m not pregnant – that was a year ago). Seriously. You nailed it. Found you on the #ConfessionsLinkup – thanks for sharing!
So glad I’m not the only one, Nicole and thanks for stopping by!
What a great post. I certainly have days where I just want to say “because I’m a mom” without feeling like I have to explain every little thing I did in my day. But I think the reason you feel that way is because you are trying your very best and you have very high expectations of yourself. I think you’re doing great and you don’t have to justify anything to anybody. Being a mom is hard and exhausting, I feel that way all the time and I’m only running around after 2! #ConfessionsLinkUp
I think you’re right, Amy! It’s hard to quantify what makes up a mommy’s day but it is certainly hard work!