Encouraging effort vs. empty Praising

Hate is a very strong word that I try not to use too much in life and there aren’t many things I truly hate in life.  The list pretty much amounts to snakes, big spiders (Honeybun can tell you about the one in her bathroom that made me scream and run around crazy) and celery.  The only other thing that instantly makes me cringe and my blood pressure rise is when someone tells my children “Good Job!”  A kind stranger or new friend doesn’t irk me, but sometimes I want to punch family or friends we spend a lot of time with (and especially those who actually work with kids) who constantly use this phrase.  (And don’t even get me started on people telling my girls “You’re so smart!”  They already know how to use their cuteness against me, they don’t need any more weapons!)

I learned a lot my first year of working in a preschool classroom and although I never got along well with my co-teacher, I did learn a lot from watching her.  But the most important thing I’ve taken into parenting from that first year is the one thing she actually sat down and taught me:  the importance of encouraging children rather than praising.  I still have the worksheets and the idea is something I have tried to share with every other team of teacher I’ve worked with since.

The main difference is that praising highlights how the speaker is feeling about a situation whereas encouragement focuses on how the doer feels.  Praise is vague, uses a personal judgment and creates a desire to do well for others, discouraging children from learning independent judgment whereas encouragement should be specific to the situation, acknowledge effort and aims to create the want to do good things for oneself, motivating children to work intrinsically rather than for external rewards or praises.encouragement vs. praise

Some Examples of Praising:

Good Job

Great Story

I like your picture

Your drawing is beautiful

You’re so smart

What a good helper you are

Some Examples of Encouragement:

You did it

You cleaned up so fast

You got all the pieces put in the right place

You worked a long time on your picture

When you help, we are ready so much quicker

We often use praise because it’s quick and easy.  You can throw out a “good job!” without even having to analyze the situation, and this is my problem with it.  It’s overused and has lost its meaning in our world.  Everyone is “great!” and this is creating competition among children who learn to seek this kind of praise (even though society is trying to get rid of competition in children altogether).

Encouragement takes a lot more thought and (as the examples show) more words but, it helps children to see what they have done rather than how they made someone else feel.  Encouragement helps children want to do better for themselves, not just for pleasing adults.  When in a hurry I tend to use “You did it!” as a quick and easy encouragement.

Some tips for using encouragement:

Be Specific:  highlight exactly what a child did

Focus on effort rather than the product: acknowledge improvement and progress

Avoid labeling children: instead of pointing out what they are (a nice boy, good helper), hilghlight what they did (you shared, you helped)

Focus on the child’s feelings, not your own: avoid “I like…” and instead go with “you look…”

4 Comments

  1. Allison February 6, 2013
    • Melissa February 6, 2013
    • Melissa May 29, 2014