Every person has their own special talents, value and worth. Mommies are obviously no different yet somehow we are constantly criticizing, judging and tearing each other apart. Nothing makes a person more defensive than when they are attacked at their most vulnerable or important level, and for mommies that is anything involving our children.
Judgments passed on our children or our parenting (which directly affects our children) are often not taken lightly and result in a defensive response, sometimes lashing back at the other person who is usually also a mother. We often judge others to validate our own decisions. I can’t say I’m innocent of this practice but I do at least have a common courtesy and filter and am able to keep it to myself unless my opinion is asked for and then I’m more than willing to share (though I do still try to being kind in my response).
I read a book a few years back titled Mind in the Making (by Ellen Galinsky) which describes seven life skills which the author believes are essential to life success. Unfortunately most of the skills are not built into the school curriculum and are not intrinsic to many people. The only one that I even remember reading about is “Perspective Taking,” the ability to understand or figure out what others think and feel without having to change your own perspective. This is a skill I naturally have and so can easily look at a situation and think “Suzy is acting this way because….” This skill has helped me immensely in my career working with young children but it also comes into play every day when I am interacting with people in my world.
There are plenty of websites which aim to provide an online community for moms to seek and receive advice, and I have been on many. But what I have yet to find is a positive community with a small town feel. Most of what I’ve experienced is communities of 20,000+ moms who seemingly provide support but actually tear each other down, criticize, compare and complain. Communities where the only people you get to “know” are the ones who have an opinion about EVERYTHING, never need help of their own and sign their names at the bottom of every response, even though it’s automatically put in the header. Communities where you can ask a simple question and get 20 negative, criticizing responses and maybe 1 or 2 helpful answers. And where these negativities are even discussed among the posters!
EVERY mommy has a worth and her own experiences have shaped her parenting style and children. Shouldn’t we as mothers be helping each other? Building each other’s confidence rather than competing and tearing each other down? I’ve seen this happen in many live mommy groups, but not online. For some reason the computer screen removes the politeness filter many of us have in person. It breaks my heart when I see a mother desperately seeking help in a situation and all she can find is judgment and ridicule. Likewise, sometimes well-meaning mommies are criticized after providing differing advice from the mainstream. Sure, we all have opinions, but sometimes if you disagree isn’t the best option is to just keep your mouth shut?
