We are extremely lucky that my girls still have four healthy grandparents. They also have four great-grandparents. We are also very fortunate that they have not yet had to deal with the death of a family member. Unfortunately, health concerns throughout both sides of the family are bringing the reality of death ever closer to our family.
The last death of a close family member was the loss of my Nana (my paternal grandmother) when I was 7 months pregnant with Honeybun. It was an extremely difficult time for me as I was very close with her and had been her primary caregiver for the 6 months leading up to the end. She was so excited to be a great-grandmother and while I was devastated at the time by her missing the opportunity by only a few months, I am now glad that my children never knew her as she was at the end (she became very confused and honestly mean…she often called me “fat” then laughed and told me I needed to go on a diet when I was very, very pregnant). I am glad that instead of them having their own, possibly negative memories of her, I can share the wonderful memories I have from before she was sick.
What my children (especially Honeybun) have experienced, though, is the loss of animals. While we still have our two spunky kitties, hubby’s parents have lost a few loved pets recently and it has helped the girls understand death a bit better (the extreme media coverage of Michael Jackson didn’t hurt either). I don’t sugarcoat it for them. They know every living thing dies eventually and are okay with that. Where they still struggle, though, is with the grief part of death.
Honeybun doesn’t always understand why people are sad about death. She isn’t sure how to react and often tries to make jokes about it. She thinks it’s funny to remind me that Great-Nana died because she know it still chokes me up. Just the other day while driving home she proclaimed that Great-Gran’ma (my maternal grandmother) died. When I told her that she didn’t she replied “well she’s going to in a few days”. I said that would make me very sad and she said “why mommy, everyone dies.” At other times she is very concerned about death and says things like “mommy, I don’t want you die. I’ll miss you too much.”
We talk a lot about how most people die when they are very old or very sick and hopefully mommy and daddy won’t die for a very long time. It’s been very important to me that our girls understand the life cycle, that they understand dying is a part of life so that when we do encounter it I’m not the mommy on some forum asking “should I tell my daughter her grandmother died?” (I’ve seen that question more than once). I think it will also help with being able to help explain the grieving process. We won’t have to focus on why people die because that’s already been covered but instead we can focus on why we are sad. I always like to take things one step at a time.
Honeybun
