Love and Loss

Five years ago today my family and close family friends gathered to say our final good-byes to my Nana (my dad’s mom).  For me it was a rather strange experience, I was saying good-bye to one of the most amazing and influential women in my life while nurturing inside my body the tiny little being that I’m sure will someday also be amazing and Influential.  I was 32 ½ weeks pregnant with Honeybun.

The days, weeks and months leading up to April 22, 2008 were some of the most difficult of my adult life.  Hubby and I moved from Oklahoma to Florida nearly a year before and in the fall of 2007, when I was just starting my pregnancy, we got tasked with the care of my Nana who had been experiencing diminished health and increasing dementia in the prior months.

After a bad fall put Nana in the hospital when I was 12 week pregnant, things were never the same.  I quit my high-stress job at 20 weeks in order to better care for (and deal with) her.  The next few months were a whirlwind of doctor’s appointments, falls and struggles when she required 24 hour in-home care which she did not want.  Her dementia worsened and the usually polite and proper lady became mean, hateful and extremely difficult to be around.

I got a reprieve from it all when I went home to Colorado for my baby shower.  It turned out bittersweet though as while I was gone Nana developed croup and was in a drug-induced coma when I returned.  I sat at the hospital for hours each day waiting to see the doctor (who never came when she said she would) so I could relay the latest to our family.

During this time hubby was away on business overseas and decided to stop by his home in Massachusetts for the weekend after to see his own ailing grandparents.  That Saturday as I was nearing the hospital, I got a call from my Aunt:  Nana was gone.  I didn’t know what to do, I was 30 minutes from home so instead of turning around I went to Nana’s house which was only 10 minutes away and cried.  I rubbed my belly and cried and then my arms started tingling and I realized what I must have been doing to my poor little Honeybun and got control of myself.

While the funeral was hard, I didn’t let myself get too upset for Honeybun’s sake.  It wasn’t until Honeybun was 4 months old and we were settled into life together that it hit me, my Nana was gone.  I spent weeks crying uncontrollably whenever I thought about it realizing I never let myself grieve when it happened and hadn’t had time to think about it since.

Well, here we are, the 5 year anniversary of my final good-bye to her and how much I miss and adored her still brings me to tears.  And here I am in a bit of a deja vu moment:  my Aunt died last week and I haven’t cried.  I’m so afraid if I do I won’t be able to stop and I don’t want to cause distress to this baby either.  Hopefully I’ll be able to grieve after the baby is here.  A date for her funeral has not been set yet but I’m hoping it will be delayed a few weeks/months so maybe we can attend and more importantly so my mom doesn’t have to choose between attending the birth of her next grandchild and the final good-bye to her only sibling.

Photos:  Top, My Nana on her last Christmas (we gave her a picture of all her grandkids at my wedding that fall which she missed because she was too sick to travel); Bottom, my Aunt meeting Honeybun when we traveled to Colorado for her first Thanksgiving.