Sugarplum has recently become obsessed with being “big”. Just this morning at the breakfast table she declared: “Mommy, I’m so big now! Now the baby can come out.” Then followed up with “And can I go to outer space now?” (Presumably she’s talking about Mission: Space at Disney. She’s also quite obsessed with getting big enough to ride Splash Mountain.)
American parents specifically put a lot of emphasis on our children being a “big girl” or “big boy” as they go through toddlerhood. Many toddler milestones such as getting dressed by oneself, using the toilet, drinking from a proper cup without spilling, etc. warrant a “wow, big girl!” from many parents. I am by far no exception, the “big girls” pour out of me about as easily many adults spew out “good job!” (see “Encouraging effort vs. empty Praising“)
Unfortunately, we as parents also tend to remind our children they are still little, while we are encouraging them to be more independent through declaring them “big”. I’ll tell Sugarplum how big she is when she uses the potty without me reminding her then when she asks why she can’t help with the hot pans on the stove I’ll tell her she’s too little. This can all become very confusing for a young child and will often cause defensive (“I’m not little, I’m big!”) reactions which can quickly escalate to power struggles (now there’s a post for another day!).
While I haven’t been able to make “big girl” references extinct from my parenting vocabulary, I have adopted a new way to address the “little” side of things. When Honeybun was going through this phase, I started by telling her she was indeed a big girl, but a “little big girl.” This sort of worked but was still confusing to her. The answer that’s really worked finally came to me one day while we were out walking in Dublin. She was a pretty good listener and would usually hold my hand when crossing roads and driveways but occasionally she would fight me on it (and still does).
One day as we were walking, crossing a row of driveways, I requested she hold my hand and she responded she was a big girl and didn’t need to. The response that naturally came out of me is the one I still use (generally) in place of little today: I stopped, got down on her level and explained “Honeybun, I know you’re a big girl. There are so many things you can do by yourself but even though you’re big now, you’re still short. If a car is coming, they won’t see you if you’re not close to mommy because you’re not tall enough for the driver to see. This is why it’s so important for you to be close to mommy at all times when we’re walking by cars.”
“Short” has become my new little and has nearly stopped the arguing and “I’m a BIG girl” declarations. Little is the opposite of big so leaves space for confusion and arguing, but short is of a different realm, my girls can’t argue about it. They’re too short to be seen by cars, they’re too short to reach the stove safely, Sugarplum is too short to ride some of the rides at Disney. It’s a matter of fact, not perception.
