Any know-it-all mommy will tell you: Never engage your children in a power struggle.
Any mommy who actually has children will tell you: It happens.
For those of you who may not know, a power struggle is when one person wants something done, the either person doesn’t want to do it and neither of you are willing to back down or change your mind. Power struggles can occur with your children, with your significant other, with your parent, even with the flight attendant who refuses to let you install your infant carrier rear-facing on the airplane or pretty much anyone else you talk to in life.
Here’s how power struggles usually go in my life:
“Honeybun, go potty.”
“No.”
“Honeybun, go potty please.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“You need to go potty before your nap.”
“No! I’m not going to!”
“It’s not a choice.” (this is the “Shut it Down!” moment)
At this point, one of three things will happen: 1) the shutdown works and the child concedes, 2) you give in (maybe not right away, though) 3) you’re in a power struggle. Many things can occur during a full-on power struggle including yelling, crying, screaming, throwing things, hitting, etc. etc.
In the example above, the struggle can go on for quite a long time but I do not believe in option #2. If I say so, I expect it to happen. If time allows, I wait. I simply tell my children “I’ll wait. I have nowhere to go.” Then I usually cross my arms and lean on the wall. If the struggle persists I’ll take a comfortable spot on the floor or nearby chair. If the struggle continues I’ll grab a nearby book (usually only a children’s book is handy) and read. And I wait and ignore all fussing, whining, and demanding. Sometimes I’ll repeat my request but I will not engage in conversation and sometimes I have to wait a really long time but when I say I’m going to wait, I really mean it.
When I don’t have the time or patience to wait I’ll usually help my daughters complete the task I’ve asked them to do but I don’t do it for them or make it fun for them. If it’s a potty struggle (as most of mine tend to be) I will walk them into the bathroom, help them with their pants and place them on the toilet. If it’s a request to clean something up and they refuse, I will stand behind them holding their hands and help them pick up requested item and walk with them holding the item together to where it needs to go (I always hold gently in case they fall or go limp. Children in the 1-3 age range have very flexible shoulders and I’ve heard of shoulders coming out of place when children this age are lifted by their arm(s).)
On occasion I will end the struggle by negotiating, but I never go with option #2 above. For instance, if Sugarplum wants a goldfish snack and I say no because it’s almost time to make dinner and she refuses to give it up I will end the struggle by saying “ok, how about you come help me make dinner. I am making peppers so you can have a little bit while we cook.” It’s not giving in to what the child wants or changing your min but ends the power struggle. Most people caution against power struggles for the fact that it can teach children to act inappropriately to get what they want but this kind of response is not giving in so the child won’t learn their behavior gets what them what they want.
