I’m a big user of If/Then consequences such as the classic “IF you eat all your dinner THEN you can have dessert”. I’ve gotten myself in trouble recently, though, with this type of behavior management. On Honeybun’s birthday, we were planning to return to Magic Kingdom after dinner to watch the special 4th of July fireworks. We’d never done the Disney fireworks before as they’re so late but it was a special day! I told the girls IF they didn’t take a good nap THEN they would not be allowed to go to the fireworks.
Things went awry when Sugarplum decided she was done napping after 20 minutes. I reminded her she needed to take a good nap to be able to go to the fireworks that night. Well, Sugarplum lost control and turned into her raging, screaming self (see “The Scream Heard Around the Neighborhood”). Hubby and I both talked to her, reminding her IF she wanted to see the fireworks THEN she needed to take a nap. She spent the next 45 minutes or so screaming and crying stating she wanted to come out of her room and did not want to take a nap.
After having a minor melt down and hissy fit myself when I received pressure to not allow her to attend the fireworks (which I really wanted to experience with her), culminating in my storming out of the room with Doodle who was upset by her screaming, I came to an unexpected conclusion: I was wrong. I never should have used that If/Then statement with her. And while I do believe in sticking to your guns and not giving in and following through with what you say, I felt major mommy guilt about leaving her behind and decided to take her anyways. Here’s why:
1) We never said “if you scream you can’t go to the fireworks”. The adults were associating the screaming with fireworks, she was not. She never mentioned the fireworks during her fit even after we would remind her about needing to sleep to see the fireworks.
2) She did take a nap. A very good one in fact (we actually had to wake her up for dinner so we could get back to the park).
3) When she woke up she said “I took a good sleep, can I go to the fireworks now?” indicating she remembered the original If/Then statement.
I realized I had put 5-year-old expectations on a not yet 3-year-old, my statement was appropriate for Honeybun (who laid quietly in her room the entire time), not for Sugarplum. While using If/Then expectations can be effective, I’ve learned that they need to be used the right way.
Here’s what I learned from my experience about making If/Then work:
Start easy. When young, give your child expectations that they can understand and can easily accomplish.
Begin with those that are rewarding. Children will respond better to expectations if they get a reward for doing what you ask rather than being punished for not doing something.
Be consistent. As with the above dessert example, if you give the same expectation every day the child will quickly learn the expectation and will hopefully be able to fulfill their end of the bargain.
Follow through. IF you say something THEN you have to do it. Whether it’s refusing dessert because she didn’t eat her dinner or taking her to the fireworks because she did take a nap, IF they do their part THEN you need to also.
Avoid one-timers. This was my pitfall in the fireworks scenario. Until your child gets used to the If/Then expectation system and knows you will follow through (as Honeybun does), don’t use If/Then consequences for one-time events. Young children won’t understand the reward if they’ve never done it before therefore there is really no consequence and therefore no motivation to follow through.
