When I was nearly hit by a car walking in a parking lot today, I did my usual half-mumbling under my breath “don’t worry about the lady crossing the street, I mean why would you stop for a pedestrian especially when it’s raining and you’re nice and dry in your car…” Usually this mumbling includes comments about my being pregnant or the endangerment of my children but this time I was by myself so couldn’t add on those frustrations and realized the guy really had no way of knowing I was even a mom.
Then I caught a glance of myself as I walked by a shiny window and there it was: the evidence. A few days after Doodle was born Sugarplum asked me what was in my belly now that the baby is out and I told her “nothing, I just have a belly full of jelly now.” She thought this was the funniest thing and still likes to shake my tummy and say “mommy, why is your belly full of jelly?”
I realize my stomach is not huge but it’s definitely not as flat as it once was. After having Honeybun my stomach went flatter than I think it was even before her but not so much after Sugarplum and now after Doodle, the baby weight has not come off as quickly or easily as with the girls.
But seeing that image of myself today, something changed in my mind. I’ve spent my entire life spending hours staring at myself in the mirror during dance classes and as most do, fell into the habit of obsessing over my body and while I never took extreme or unhealthy actions to correct things I didn’t like, I’ve always known what was what and done what I could. I realized tonight that I may no longer have the body I always wanted, but it doesn’t matter because I have the LIFE I always wanted. Tonight I accepted the fact that while I would love to spend my time in tutus, pointe shoes and tiaras, I am not going to ever be a professional ballerina but I will always be a mommy.
I realized that reflection I saw was proof that I don’t spend enough time in the gym, that I’m not one of those people that spends all day exercising. But you know what, that’s okay because I spend all day doing play-doh and reading books and eating up every smile my newborn gives me. I am raising my children myself, not leaving that up to a stranger and maybe sometimes I have sacrificed my own well-being for them but I don’t care. I spend my day teaching my children what love is because THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.
