So my little toast rant yesterday clearly wasn’t about toast (ok, a little bit about toast…I really hate burnt things!)
As a mommy, I am used to giving and giving of myself. I give to my children, I give to my hubby, I give to my friends, I give to my work. By the time I take care of everyone else there often isn’t time to take care of me. And even if there is time, I NEVER have the energy to do more than the bare minimum for myself.
I shower when my children are napping, I eat when they eat and usually eat what they want (unless I can convince them that what I want is better). I sleep when they sleep and wake when they wake, day and night. I generally cook three meals a day and though I have coffee most days, I never get a “coffee break.” Either I’m drinking my coffee cold hours after I make it or if I go out for coffee I’m managing the kids the whole time and drinking it as fast as I can before they lose their minds (or I lose mine?).
So basically I spend all my time and energy taking care of others, making sure things get done for everyone else and that everyone is well taken care of but no one is taking care of me. The burnt toast really represents me. I often feel forgotten, neglected and disgusting which sometimes makes me cold natured.
I realize this is what I “signed up for” when I decided to have kids, but not really. While I love that I get to be home with my kids and share every moment with them and shape who they are becoming, I never expected to so thoroughly lose myself in the process. Nearly every second of every day is spent on them and for them.
The time spent on me is really just a matter of survival, not even basic upkeep. My “me” time involves, showering and sleeping. Even most of my eating and pottying involves at least one small person (and if not then a cat). I don’t do my hair (other than brushing it and putting it in a clip), I don’t wear makeup, I wear whatever is clean in the hamper (wrinkles and all) and only shave when I can feel the wind in my leg hair (gross? Yes. True? Absolutely.)
Any time I’m not with my kids I’m either running errands or working. While I am excited to be back teaching again and enjoy it, it’s still not something I’m doing just for ME. It still involves doing for others and unfortunately adds to the lack of time and energy problem.
There is always the lingering hope that as my children get older they’ll need me less and I’ll get back to myself eventually but kindergarten is proving the opposite. It has caused us to have more to do at home with less time to do it (my new work schedule sure doesn’t help either as I’m gone 3 nights a week). Maybe when they’re all in middle school? Only 10 years to go…
