It started because of a towel. The marathon screaming, yelling, hitting, hysterical fit that overcame Sugarplum’s body. It’s been awhile since we’ve had a meltdown of this magnitude. In fact, it was about 7 months ago when we were at Disney for Honeybun’s birthday. That time it was over fireworks. And that time I didn’t come out of it nearly as gracefully. There were too many eyes watching and too many opinions for me to have confidence in following my heart and doing what I should have done, what I’ve always done.
Today started with a walk to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. After, Honeybun and Sugarplum spent a while cleaning the water table and pool tubes while Doodle slept and then went swimming with hubby and hopped in the shower so we could go get lunch and do some shopping. And that’s when it happened. Sugarplum didn’t want the towel hubby offered her. I came in to help and found her hysterical in the shower. She wanted the ducky towel but I explained that towel was all the way across the house in her linen closet and by the time she got there she would be too cold, her lips were already blue.
I offered her her bunny towel or Honeybun’s green towel and even my pink towel and she refused. I calmly talked to her and told her she needed to wrap up and get warm so if she wasn’t going to choose I would chose for her. I chose the green because it is the biggest and has a hood. I stepped in the shower and began to wrap her up. She screamed. She wanted the bunny towel and I told her to ask nicely, to which she refused so I continued with the green towel.
After wrestling her into the towel, I scooped her up and carried her to her room, singing her a love song as she screamed and flailed. She wanted the bunny towel! I sat on Honeybun’s bed with her and whispered in her ear. I stood up and swayed and bounced her “like I do with Doodle when he’s upset at me.” I tried everything and it didn’t work. I saw the overflowing laundry basket in the corner and put her on her bed. I told her I was going to put in laundry and when I was done whoever was ready was leaving. She screamed. And cried.
I put laundry in and went back to find her still on her bed, still naked, still screaming. I told Honeybun to put her shoes on and explained to hubby the deal and that Doodle, Sugarplum and I would be staying behind. Sugarplum screamed more and hit me. I scolded her. She hit me again and hubby snapped at her. We walked away and I finally got hubby and Honeybun out the door.
Sugarplum ran after them, standing naked at the garage door screaming. I shut the door, explaining she could not be outside naked and held it closed (and Doodle precariously) while she struggled to open it. Twice we did this, she wanted to go too! Finally hubby and Honeybun were gone.
I started to look for something to have for lunch. Sugarplum slammed the freezer when I opened it. I went out the garage with Doodle still in my arms to look for something in the chest freezer. Sugarplum climbed up on top of the freezer and tried the slam the lid down. My naked little monkey girl, dangling off the side of the freezer. I laughed. My laughter swelled my eyes with tears and those tears of laughter quickly turned to tears of sadness and frustration.
This sucks. This is when mommying is hard. This is when I want to give them back. This is when I want to run away. But that’s as far as my thoughts got.
Sugarplum had thrown herself down on the garage floor and I had to intervene. “You can not sit naked on the dirty garage floor. You’re going to get crap all up in your lady parts and get a vaginal infection and then you’ll have to go to the doctor.” I talked to her calmly. When she refused to get up, I grabbed her by one arm, Doodle still in my other, and carried her inside, hitting Doodle’s head on the door jamb. He cried though my tears had cleared.
Sugarplum hit me again. I put Doodle in his bed with a toy, in a “safe place” but what I really needed was a safe place for Sugarplum. A place where a 3-year-old could be kept safely while she gained her composure. I took her back to her bed. Doodle screamed. I shut her bedroom door behind me and the sliding door to their “wing” of the house as well. By the time I reached Doodle’s crib she was in the room too.
I went to the kitchen and started lunch. Sugarplum screamed she wanted to go with Daddy and went to get her clothes, but it was too late. She came in with a shirt but needed help finding pants to match. I told her all the choices she had but she wanted pink. She had calmed a little and was no longer screaming and crying. I went into her room with her and showed her all her pants that had pink. She chose a white and purple skirt.
We checked on lunch and she asked for a cuddle. So we did. I cuddled her like nothing had ever happened. Except it had. And I was crying.
We’ve been through so much together in the past 3 ½ years. She and I have been in this place so many times before. She and I have struggled through fits just like this more times than I can count, more times than I want to remember. And because of it, she and I have this thing, this bond. I know her. I know what she needs, I know what works. Because we’ve been here before.
We sit down to eat and it’s like nothing ever happened as she uses her adult-size butter knife and kid-size fork proudly cutting her pierogies all by herself. And I look out the window, fighting back the tears. It’s over and I’m relieved but it’s still hard.
I think about how it all must look to an outsider. How some might think she is trying to manipulate me or get her way. But I know better, I know she is only 3 ½ and still tiny in so many ways. And I know she still needs help with controlling herself. I know that she relies on me for that. I know it may look like I’m giving in to her or that she is winning, but I know this is what she needs to learn and to grow. I know that she needs guidance, support, LOVE.
I know her better than anyone else ever can. Because we’ve been in this dance together, just her and me for 3 ½ years.
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I really understood this story on a very personal level. I deal w similar ones – very individually- with both my girls. With my younger one I think some of her bad meltdowns last longer bc she used a pacifier for much longer than I would have liked. She actually does calm down quicker than my older one. I feel like I struggle to give her better tools to use to help her calm down. Even when she does calm down she is sensitive and go again very quickly.
I am very similar to how you handled Sugarplum. I talk nice and calm and quietly. I know this helps a lot and it continues to be my go to. I do walk away for each of them to have practice and opportunity to calm themselves down. I’ve been talking with my older one more so that she can find the words to describe her feelings at the time of meltdown later when it’s very over :) continuous patience, support, love and lots of cuddles helps each time even when exhausted or did not want to deal w the meltdown. I understand your tears. Thinking of you and all yours :)
Thanks, Lauren. Honeybun is much easier to deal with, when she loses control I can talk her through it or leave her to sort it out but that’s not the case with Sugarplum. If you leave her, she gets worse; if you talk to her, she gets worse; if you cuddle her, she gets worse; even if you give her what she originally wanted, she gets worse. Basically once she’s in it, everything you do escalates her and you just have to wait it out until she’s ready to be done. So I’ve come to the conclusion that if I can’t help her through it, then the best the best thing I can do is love her through it.
Very touching, thank you. I will remember this, maybe I will need it one day with my little boy (currently only 4 months old, but already he has an interesting temper) (and I love him for it!).
Eva, even though Sugarplum and I have had more experiences like this than I can count, the good news is that I remember very few of them. As mommies we are miraculously able to hang onto the great moments and move past the hard!