It seems many mommies I know are having life revelations this week which is strange because I had one too. While I’m still no closer to “Picking a Path” than I was six weeks ago, I realized through a series of recent events that I’m not bitchy enough. This probably sounds like a good thing, but let me explain.
I’ve always based my personal significance on being a “good” person in the sense that I am kind, considerate, compassionate, respectful, loyal, understanding and forgiving. I have always had a tendency to put others’ needs before my own (this is something I get from my mom) and deeply value other people’s feelings. Don’t confuse this with me being overly concerned with what people think of ME, what I mean is, I care how other people feel about their own situations.
My realization, though, is that I’ve been naïve in thinking that others also value these things in themselves and are thinking of me the same way I am thinking of them. So I’m not so naïve to think that all PEOPLE are the same as me, but I did have this idea about organizations, specifically those that I am closely involved with. As it turns out, though, I was wrong. The only one who really gives a flying hoot about me is me (again, I’m talking largely about organizations, not about individuals…I know there are plenty of wonderful people in my life that do indeed really care about me!)
I’ve realized that I don’t stand up for myself, my needs and the well being of my family nearly enough. It’s not that I can’t because anyone who knows me will tell you I go hard or go home on things that really matter to me like when I pushed and pushed against Honeybun’s school to get her in the high achieving class or when I spent nearly an entire Sunday promoting an organization I really believe in or when I switched from OB to midwife at 35 weeks pregnant because I was not satisfied with the hospital the OB wanted me to go to. I have a very strong moral compass and when I believe in something, I don’t give up.
But where I’ve found my lack of “bitchiness” is in situations that I don’t find overly important. So what’s the problem? The problem is that just because it’s not all that important to me doesn’t mean other people see it that way. In a sense, I’m a sucker, easily taken advantage of and have sometimes felt abused when I was not shown the same respect and consideration I strive to give others.
Case in point: Sugarplum’s gymnastics. She started in September, about a month after her third birthday. I enrolled her in a 3-4 year old class but on the first day the teacher said since she was new she should go in the 2-3 year old class. I was fine with it, she’s 3. She’s not headed for the Olympics (yet…) and she did great for a few months. But then a child that is over a year younger than her moved into the 3-4 year old class. And then Sugarplum stopped paying attention and doing her best so I asked when children were moved around and the response I got when I explained she would be 4 this summer and was in the 2-3 class was “Oh! She should have been in the older class all along!”
Sugarplum has since moved into the older class and has been doing great and I had moved on, not thought anything more about it. Until a few days ago when a friend who’s daughter is in the same program informed me her daughter would be moving classes on her birthday to the next older group and it hit me: I’m a sucker. I should have questioned her class the very first day. I should have advocated for her advancement. But she’s 3 and she’s not headed for the Olympics so I didn’t because to me it really doesn’t matter. Plus I assumed that the people who ran the program were watching her development, paying attention to her abilities and had her in the right class. And that’s where the problem lies.
I’m not a helicopter mommy nor am I an alpha mommy, I’m just a mommy doing the best I can to love, support and raise my children to be “good” people. But now I’m wondering if my parenting style is hurting my children. Is my lack of pushing my children into the front of the pack going to hurt them in the long run? Is my lack of “caring” about things that other mommies find really important (like which gymnastics class their 3 year old is in) going to hold them back in the future? Am I delusional in believing that all young children (ie: before school aged) really need is someone to love them, someone to talk to them, someone to read to them, someone to play with them, someone to model moral behavior and someone to support them as they grow, change and try new things?
I know I’m the best mommy I know how and want to be right now, but what if my best is just not good enough for my children?
