I’ve been feeling really fragile lately. Like I could break down crying at any moment. Not just emotional like hormones or the usual life stress but more internally distraught.
I picked my path a few months back but now I feel like my life has come to a crossroads but instead of having more paths to pick from, I’m surrounded by detour, do not enter and wrong way signs.
I don’t regret the path I picked, definitely not. I’m HAPPY with the decisions I’ve made over the past few months and the way I’m feeling is not a feeling of sadness or anger or frustration. It’s a little like drowning only I’m not feeling overwhelmed, more like underwhelmed.
It’s like I’ve been abandoned. Like I’m alone in a strange place with nowhere to go and no friendly faces in sight. Which is weird because I’m ALWAYS with my children. And this is the most hubby’s been around since we’ve had children. And I have friends (I have friends!) whom I see/hang out with many days a week. And my family is getting ready to come back to town for the fall. And I’m definitely NOT alone!
But there is still this looming feeling of distress. Like I’m trapped in quicksand and can’t get out. Maybe not quicksand because I’m not going under. Maybe more like stranded in the middle of the ocean, just treading water with no land, help or future in sight.
I’m oddly happy, though. I love my life, my days are good. But I lay awake at night, wondering what the future holds. Not tomorrow or next week, but months or years from now. Where will we be? What will I be doing?
I feel like I can do nothing about where I am, what I’m doing, where I’m going and where I’m going to end up. I’m feeling futureless (and clearly very confused…)
