Living abroad was one of the greatest experiences of my life and a time I would not trade for anything. I loved traveling, seeing the world. I loved immersing myself and our girls in another culture. I loved wandering around town and hopping on the train when we needed to go somewhere.
But my time at home was a day-to-day struggle to just keep my sanity in a place where is was cold, dreary and drizzly 95% of the time and where I spent no less than 25% of my days home alone with two little children, one of which spent a huge amount of time screaming inconsolably.
The last Fall we were there was by far the hardest time. My two best friends had moved away, Honeybun was in school, I was trying to be President of the American Women’s Club yet felt completely isolated and alone.
I’m a young mommy (if you haven’t figured that out.) I got married at 23, had Honeybun at 24, Sugarplum at 26 and Doodle at 29. Hubby and I had three kids before most of our friends had their first and Sugarplum was born before ANY of my close high school and college friends had kids. That fall, two of my friends from high school were expecting their first babies and I remember feeling so excited for them.
I also distinctly remember sitting in the corner booth of a pub as we liked to do one Sunday afternoon, with my eyes welling with tears as I told hubby I felt like life was going on without me back home and I hated that I was missing so much big stuff that was happening.
The events of that fall ultimately led to our return to Florida the next summer and while I was exited to be closer to family and to reconnect to friends from my past (which I have!) I also knew I was leaving behind a great group of mommy friends.
What I didn’t expect, though, was for my life to come full-circle. This year a few of my close friends in Dublin had babies and while I longed to be there and miss the group terribly, I wasn’t as sad about it as I was before because there was HOPE, hope that we might get to return.
Hubby applied for a job this summer that would take us back to Dublin, permanently. It’s the job he’s always wanted and he was an excellent candidate for it. At first I wasn’t sold on the idea but as I saw life in Dublin going on without me and I looked around at what I have here, I started to come around to going back and making a life there (especially with the passing of our three grandparents, we don’t feel as connected to the states as we were previously).
We started talking hypothetically, putting life here on hold, just in case. I got excited and made plans in my head for what I needed to do if we went and who I would reach out to on “the other side” if it happened.
What happened though, is hubby didn’t get the job and we’re not going back. This isn’t the first disappointment we’ve faced or the first time life hasn’t gone as we’d hoped but this time it means something different.
It’s made me realize how great things were over there even though they were hard (though I don’t for a second regret coming back when we did, I still strongly believe it was what our family needed at the time). It’s made me miss my friends and the group my family was a part of even more because there is nothing like that here.
The weeks after getting the news were hard. I would tear up at every Facebook status I saw from my faraway friends, longing to be a part of it, to reconnect. It saddens me that my girls don’t remember any of the children they spent their early years running around with. It saddens me that I may never meet these new beautiful babies that have come into the world (or the now two year olds that arrived just after we left).
But it’s also made me realize and accept that that’s not our lives anymore and that sadly those wonderful mommies that I adore and miss terribly are slipping away from me. And while we may always be good (Facebook) friends, there is a good chance we will never see each other again. Our children will not grow up together and experience life in another world together.
And honestly, I’m not sure how to feel about all of that.
