Ending the Silent First Trimester

About a week before Christmas, I had a weird encounter.  One afternoon as I sat on the couch, Sugarplum came up to me, cupped her hands around her mouth, bent down by my stomach and said “Hello!  Is anybody in there?!” then giggled and ran away.

At the time I thought it was strange, but she is my silly one.  As it turns out, though, it wasn’t just a silly Sugarplum moment.  There IS somebody in there.

Two days before Christmas, hubby and I found out we are unexpectedly expecting baby #4.  In 33 weeks (give or take a few), we will be becoming a family of six.

I’m seven weeks along, expecting our next addition the beginning of September.  I never made a big announcement with Honeybun (probably because at the time I wasn’t on social media, at all!).  With Sugarplum I made a random Facebook rant about morning sickness around 13 weeks.  And with Doodle I shared a video of the girls hearing his heartbeat for the first time around 12 weeks.

I’m not one for big announcements, I don’t share my news to get attention and congratulations. Let’s be honest, I didn’t get a big reaction for the first three so I definitely don’t expect it this time.  Plus, I know I’m going to get more negative attention than positive.

But it was important to me to share this news early, not for myself, but for all the wonderful women who have bought into the 12 week “safe zone” and secretly suffered through their morning sickness.  And more importantly, for all the amazing mommies who never shared their news because they didn’t make it to 12 weeks.

We’ve all heard it: “Wait until the end of the first trimester to tell people, in case something should happen…”  I definitely bought into the stigma with Honeybun, the only person at work who knew before that was my boss because she asked me after I was in the hospital for 4 days with pneumonia and on bed rest for another week.  I bought into not telling people because it seemed like it would just be horrible to have to burden other people with news of my loss, people don’t want to hear that!

Up to now, I’ve had four healthy pregnancies, I have not experienced a loss and I am so thankful for that.  But I know way too many women who have.  And only twice did I know when it happened.  Most losses the other mommies in my life have experienced were shared weeks, months, even years after the fact.

In our culture, we are taught that pregnancy loss is just a part of life.  We are made to feel like we shouldn’t mourn the loss of a child in the first trimester.  We are reminded that 20-25% of pregnancies end in loss.  They make it seem normal.

But 100% of elderly people die too.  Yet you would never expect someone to cope the loss of a parent or grandparent silently.  You would never tell them to suck it up, there will be more, move on already!

But that is exactly what happens every time a woman buys into the “safe zone” and hides her pregnancy.  Ask any woman who has delivered a stillborn child and she will tell you there is no “safe zone.”  Ask any woman woman who has lost multiple pregnancies and she will tell you how impossible it is to just suck it up and move on.

Because any woman who has ever been pregnant will tell you that you are a mommy the second you find out you are pregnant.  In that moment, no matter whether you are excited or scared or worried, you start making plans for your life around that child.  You start building dreams for that child.  That child weighs on every decision you make.

And every time a woman loses a pregnancy and suffers alone, silent, without help or support, those hopes and dreams are lost too.  No woman should have to suffer a loss in seclusion, alone and silent.

So I say, if you’re happily pregnant, share it with the world, let others know the important work that you are doing every second!  And if you need to share a loss, to find support in order to grieve, then seek the love you need to recover.

The loss of any child is heartbreaking and should be treated with the respect of the tragedy that it is.  I don’t care how many women suffer pregnancy loss every day, every woman deserves the opportunity to grieve her child without the stigma of society saying “there will be another, you have time.”

So instead of staying silent through your first trimester, suffering through your morning sickness alone (yeah, it’s just the flu…for like 7 weeks…), I say we embrace early pregnancy.  We shower each other with support and love and the knowledge that we will have people around to pick up the pieces if everything should fall apart.  Screw the twelve week “safe zone” and let’s abolish this nonsense of waiting out the first trimester.  We’re all in this crazy life together, that should include pregnancy loss too.