I distinctly remember the first time I nursed in public without a cover. It was with Sugarplum, my 2nd child. I managed to nurse my oldest to 18 months without feeling the need to ditch the cover. Honeybun was more than happy snuggled in my sling and I was more than happy keeping her that way.
Nursing in public is intimidating the first few times. Even completely covering, Honeybun was a few weeks old before I ever attempted out of the house feeding and even then I still did weeks of nursing in the car. After the first few times, though, I was fine with feeding her out and about, but I did feel protected behind our cover.
It was quickly apparent, though, that Sugarplum was an entirely different child. That first public feed was at a restaurant after our initial visit with the pediatrician when she was only 4 days old. In that short time, we struggled greatly. Sugarplum had a tiny little mouth, one of the first things we noticed while analyzing every inch of her shortly after she was born. And that tiny mouth was not keen on opening wide to get a good latch. But she was hungry and I was insistent on nursing so we trucked along, doing the best we could.
I let her feed as she needed and practiced my “deep, relaxation” breaths I’d mastered during my prep for labor as pain shot through my breasts and cracked, bleeding nipples. At home I would take her off and try again if the latch was bad. And again. And again. And again. Until we were both so frustrated that I just let her eat whatever way got her the food she desperately wanted and the only food I was prepared to give her.
That day in the restaurant, at only 4 days old, when the tiny little cries started, I looked at hubby and told him “she’s hungry and I may not be able to cover. I just need to feed her.” He got a little uncomfortable but didn’t say anything. He knew how we’d been struggling, he’d held my hand and rubbed my back during the middle of the night feeds as I breathed heavy, sometimes squeaking out in pain as tears filled my eyes.
We all got through that feed, without a cover, but I nearly cried when during a quick stop at the store for baby needs she spit up blood. First terrified at the thought of all the horrible things that could be wrong with my little baby and then when I realized it was my blood that she had gotten from my cracked nipples while nursing.
I could have given up right there. I could have said “enough is enough!” and bought a stock of formula, but I believe in breastfeeding and giving up never even crossed my mind. We persisted and eventually we got it figured out and our nursing relationship lasted 27 months, near the end of my first trimester with Doodle. But what we never really figured out from that first outing was how to nurse with a cover.
She would allow me to cover her in the sling if I was walking/ or standing but otherwise she was too wiggly, too curious about the world. And I learned that I didn’t need to cover. That even her tiny little head covered more than enough of my business. I got good at latching her on quickly and discreetly and really fast at covering back up (one of the reasons I prefer nursing tanks and shirts that open from the top). Even living with her in Ireland where breastfeeding rates are much lower, I never felt awkward breastfeeding her when we were out and about, I would just find a quiet corner where I could sit and be undisturbed and unnoticed, if possible.
And even though nursing came easier with Doodle (aside from our struggles with a forceful letdown and oversupply), I never really went back to the cover. He is a hotbody like his daddy and being a May baby, he would often turn into an instant sweatball as soon as I put an extra layer on him which would bother him and disrupt the feed. And I couldn’t hide in the corner anymore, I had two other kiddos that needed my attention. So I got used to feeding him at busy restaurants, the park, anywhere and every where we were and only once was I made to feel uncomfortable about it (by a few teenage girls!)
But I’ll admit, I do get a little hot under the collar when people start the debate on whether or not mommies should breastfeed in public. Usually the debate focuses not on if it’s appropriate but rather where and when it’s appropriate. People will say “breastfeeding is fine, just do it privately” or “breastfeeding in public is okay, just do it discreetly.”
And seven years ago I can’t say I would have disagreed. Five years ago I wouldn’t have balked at those opinions. But, as my stories show, life isn’t so black and white and babies and parenting are the grayest areas you will ever encounter in life. “Expect the unexpected” should be every parent’s motto and so to those who think breastfeeding should be done privately and discreetly, I have this to say:
If you haven’t done it, lived it, been there, done that, bought the freaking t-shirt, then maybe you should just keep it to yourself.
I don’t mean to be rude or inflammatory, but I don’t understand how my feeding my child makes you uncomfortable. You would never ask a bottle-feeding mommy to cover her baby’s face with a blanket. You would never expect her to sit in the corner facing a wall. And you would never dream of asking a bottle feeding mommy to “go do that in the bathroom.” So why would you ever think these things are appropriate to ask of a breastfeeding mommy?
I don’t see you running into Victoria’s Secret demanding to talk to the manager when they post up a larger-than-life lingerie ad in the middle of the shopping mall. I didn’t see anyone asking the young girls that walked into the restaurant where my family ate this weekend -*wearing only bathing suit bottoms and tank tops to cover up. So why should I be expected to cover up when feeding my hungry infant? Why are these other things more appropriate than nourishing a child even though I remain more covered than both?
If my breastfeeding makes you uncomfortable, maybe instead of attacking me (and other breastfeeding mommies you encounter), you should look into yourself and figure out why it makes you uncomfortable. Because truthfully, I’m not pulling out my breast for attention, in fact, I’d rather you not look.
When breastfeeding in public, my aim is to not draw attention to what I am doing. I don’t do it to “make a statement”. I don’t do it for “the cause” or to normalize breastfeeding. I don’t do it for myself at all, I do it for my child (and truthfully, sometimes I don’t really want to!)
My only goal is to feed my child the best and easiest meal I can. So that s/he isn’t hungry. So that s/he isn’t screaming and disrupting your day. So that I can remain a part of the world instead of hiding at home for 12+ months. So that s/he can experience all the world has to offer.
And so that s/he can grow and become a more understanding and accepting person than you seem to be. You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t even have to “accept” it. Just respect that I am doing the best I can for my child, myself, and yes, even you! (Because as I’ve shared before, breastfeeding really is best for everyone!)
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The most uncomfortable place I’ve breastfed is on an airplane. It’s cramped, stuffy, and there’s always someone sitting shoulder to shoulder with you. But when the airplane is taking of or landing, there’s no choice but to feed right there. During my last plane trip, I sat next to a business man on his way to an important meeting in Washington. When I started to feed the baby on take-off, he quickly buried his noes in the Sky Mall magazine. Then, after a few minutes, he put it down, looked me in the eye and said, “I think what you’re doing is great. What’s all the fuss about anyway?”
Airplanes are definitely no fun for breastfeeding! I will admit it is one place I do try to always cover just because others are so close and they can easily get a glimpse of you from all different angles as they wander up and down the aisles! It always brightens my heart to hear stories of people who are supportive!
I love this so much! It’s exactly my story, and many others, I believe. Now I don’t feel the need to write it! LOL! Beautifully and simply spoken. Nice job!!
Thanks, Jill!
Amen! This is an awesome post Mel. It’s so true. My baby does NOT like being covered up, period. He wants to eat and look around at the same time. He does feed better in a quiet, calm atmosphere because otherwise he gets easily distracted and wants to WHIP his head around while still latched (ouch!)
I don’t care who has a problem with it, my baby needs to eat so look away if it makes you uncomfortable lol
That’s my theory too, Karen! If you don’t want to see something then just don’t look, I’d prefer you to not be eyeing my breasts anyways (for any reason!)
The best thing I’ve discovered for “discreetly nursing” (whatever that means LOL!) is a stretchy tank under my t-shirt. I lift the tee and pull down the tank and VOILA nothing showing anywhere! Took me ’till baby # 3 to figure this out though! Might not work for the busty mamas but it is perfect for me.
I can’t for the life of me figure out how anyone can cover with a baby past the newborn stage – they are so wiggly! I’m much more likely to expose myself WITH a cover because baby will yank it off!
I know a lot of mommies that do the layers, one up and one down. I usually layer with a nursing tank as well but prefer to do everything down from the top. I find it easier, quicker and draws less attention when I’m getting set up!
I love this post, with five kids, I had my ups and downs with breastfeeding. My first was SO HARD! He was hot, so so so hot, I was bleeding and crying for literally over a month. I tried different positions, but I lived in a really small town with no support. Then I lost my milk (getting pregnant when he was only 6 months old). It was discouraging. But I was determined. I breastfed all my kids for as long as I could (which wasn’t long, I had major supply issues). I loved it and breastfed as I needed too. Thanks SO much for sharing and linking up at Favorite things Friday! Don’t forget to add a link back or button to be eligible to be featured, I would LOVE to see this on my blog! Hope to see you again this week!
Thanks for stopping by, Rebecca! I think as a culture, we equate being natural with being easy but that is certainly not always the case when it comes to breastfeeding. I wish there were more support for all women when it came to breastfeeding, not just those that have the money and location to get professional help.
I had serious issues (mostly supply) trying to breastfeed but I gave it my all! I always felt very uncomfortable trying to do it outside of home b/c it was such a big production trying to get my children to latch. Sigh… Good for you for standing your ground! I’ve never understood the nonsense behind people against public breastfeeding. I guess people will look for things to complain about…
Thanks for sharing & for linking up to Favorite Things Friday with Simply Rachel & Hip Homeschooling! Hope to see you again next week! =)
-Rachel from Simply Rachel http://www.simplyrachelbyrachel.com
You’re right, Rachel, I think people are always just looking for something to stir up controversy but feeding a baby? I wish it was more accepted so mommies who struggle such as yourself aren’t made to feel uncomfortable. Every person deserves to eat what and where they want, babies included!