Honeybun and I haven’t always gotten along. She is oftentimes hyper-emotional and I am oftentimes too impatient to deal with it (one of my biggest mommy shortcomings and sources of major mommy guilt).
A few weeks ago when the kids were running through the sprinklers together, she whacked Doodle right on the head because he kept putting his hands over the sprinkler head. I gave her a 5 minute “break” to get control of herself and she screamed at me: “You’re the meanest mommy ever, when are you going to stop being so mean to me?!?!” I calmly replied “When I stop loving you so much.” She snapped back “Well that’s never going to happen.” I smiled from my full heart and told her “You’re right!”
Then a few nights later I head her wailing in her bed a while after bedtime. When I went up to see what we going on, she said she had forgotten that I gave her a kiss already (one of those hyper-emotional, often ridiculous moments she has). I could have told her she was being silly, given her another kiss and walked away. But instead I took the time to sit with her and talk about it.
She apologized for forgetting and getting upset. I explained to her that even if I had forgotten to give her a kiss that getting so upset about it would still be a silly thing. Because, kisses or not, I always love her. Even if I don’t always say it, I always feel it, it’s always there. I told her even when I’m yelling at her, I still love her.
She began to nod and then stopped “I don’t think that makes sense.” But it’s true. I get frustrated with my children and, yes, even yell sometimes because I love them with everything I have.
I asked her what the only thing I want for her for is. She replied “for me to be safe.” I said “you’re right, that is my mommy job. But what is the other thing that I want for you. What do I want you to be?”
She remembered how I told her during the sprinkler incident that I want her to be a good person. And I exclaimed “yes! I want you to be a good person! I want you to always make smart, safe choices. I yell sometimes because I want you to be your best. I know that you are an awesome kid. You are so kind and worry about how other people feel. But sometimes you make bad choices and it doesn’t make you a bad person, but I want you to always try to be your best. So sometimes I have to help you with that. I have to remind you that you’re better than the choices you’re making.”
I could tell she was processing it, taking it all in, word by word. And she said to me “because you love me?”
I went on about how if I didn’t love her sooooo much I wouldn’t care if she made bad choices. I wouldn’t care if she grew up to be a nasty, terrible person. That I would just let her do whatever she wanted because if I didn’t love her I wouldn’t care what happened to her.
I gave her another kiss (or 12) and told her again how much I loved her. And I meant it. We may not always see eye to eye. She may drive me batty and truthfully, I may never get her and the way she is. But I will always love her. Always. And I will always do everything I can for her.
She is seven today and it’s hard for me to believe. It’s hard for me to even fathom how we got here, how the past SEVEN years have been with her and about her. Every day that goes by she gets bigger and stronger and more independent. Every day that goes by she is more and more grown up and less and less my baby. But she will still always be my baby, my first baby, my first love at first sight, my first everything. And I could not be more happy that she will always be mine.
