Check Your Bitchy Attitude at the Gate

She came bumping down the aisle with her knockoff Prada bag flung over her elbow, not caring who or what she knocked on the way.  I get it, the aisles are narrow and I do my share of bumping but I’ve also got three young kids, two car seats and a crap ton of bags which my children are generally too whiny to help with.  Plus I try to apologize and say “excuse me.”

She approached the row in front of me and sassily proclaimed “you must be in my seat, I’ve got 32A.”  I should have known in that moment what we were in for, as the young couple ahead of me quickly and politely rearranged seats.

She put her over-sized pillow against the window and took her seat.  Really, her own pillow.  Not a neck pillow.  Not a travel pillow.  An over-sized, full of fluff pillow.  I peered down at my sweatshirt still tied under my nearly 8 month pregnant belly and thought “must be nice to be able to shlep around luxury comfort items rather than a shit-ton of ‘necessities’ my kids will probably never touch on the flight.”

Within seconds she pushed the attendant call button and I knew it: this bitch was going to complain about my kid. She asked to be reseated because she just couldn’t have my son kicking her seat for 5 1/2 hours.  I assured her I would do my best to keep his feet under control.

But he is only just turned two.  He is used to facing backwards in his car seat and I couldn’t protest the forward facing only rule of an European airline.  I’ve been trying to teach him not to kick whether behind his sister, a businessman or grumpy bitch like her but he is only two.

His feet barely reached the seat back when fully extended and the more I said no, the more of a game it became.  I took his shoes off to help soften the kicks and tried to get him to sit criss-cross-applesauce.

By this time a mommy and lap baby had sat down next to me and I could have proclaimed my inability to sit next to them but I didn’t because I have a heart even though in my head I was screaming “Fucking damn it!  One of my only flights in the past seven years I don’t have an infant of my own and I’m seated with a lap infant, you’ve got to be kidding me!!!”

I couldn’t have complained if I wanted to though, the bitch in front of us was already engaging the flight attendant.  Demanding to be reseated.  In a window seat.  Because that’s what she paid for.  “Guess what…”  I wanted to say, “you’re on a low-fare carrier!!  If you wanted space and luxury, you should have actually paid for it!”

Unfortunately for her, the flight was full and the only other seat available was also next to a lap infant.  I’ll admit I snickered a little when I heard, karma’s a bitch, and she was stuck until at least after take off as we had already begun pulling away from the gate.

I hoped that my son would just fall asleep during taxi or take off as my children do 75% of the time but he had slept on the previous flight and I had no such luck.  I did my best to keep my very active son happy and his feet calm.

We made it an hour into the flight before she pushed the call button again.  “Can’t you find someone in a window seat that will change with me?”  As if there are people all over the plane eager to sit in front of kicking two year old!

The flight attendant said she would see what she could do.  Then the bitch said the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard: “or can’t you reseat them?” nodding in our direction.  Even the flight attendant was taken aback by such a ridiculous request and sternly explained we were a family traveling together and that was absolutely not an option!

The amazingly sweet flight attendant, who apologized to me at every chance, convinced the woman in the window seat on the other side of the plane to switch.  Again I snickered a little, because little did the bitch know but she was now seated in front of my fiery four year old who at the time was sleeping but who had 4 1/2 more hours to rear her ugly head and kick her much longer, stronger and angrier feet.

Another hour into the flight and my son was passed out happily in his car seat and my four year old was up.  Hell hath no fury like that of a hungry preschooler strapped into a car seat and the legs began to push, fly and kick as she protested the snacks daddy presented her.  The bitch turned around and glared at my dear, patient husband and furious four year old.  And I laughed, out loud, because I couldn’t help it.  Karma really is a bitch!

My daughter settled down and the bitch didn’t bother pushing the call button again.  The flight attendant apologized to me a few more times during the flight and after told me how wonderfully behaved my kids were on the long flight.

When deplaning the bitch didn’t even look my way, just grabbed her over-stuffed pillow and knock-off bag and went about her business.

But to her this is what I have to say:  your wants, needs, desires or comfort are not a top priority to most of the world.  You’re a grown ass woman and I hope some day you actually start acting like it.

My son can lose his shit when he doesn’t get his way or is uncomfortable, because he’s two.  My daughter does lose control of her self for the same reasons sometimes, but we are working on it, daily.  They are children and you most certainly are not even though you acted like one.

In case you didn’t know, no one really likes flying.  Being in a metal tube for hours on end with hundreds of other grumpy people while hurtling through the sky with nothing to do is not fun for anyone.

My family doesn’t fly for the fun of it, we fly to get where we are going because I don’t have the magic to snap my fingers and be wherever I want.  And you may not realize it, but my kids just happen to be kick-ass travelers and you were lucky to be near us and not one of the hundreds of other families I’ve seen struggle on flights in the past.

So grow up, get over yourself and have a nice life, wherever your final destination may be…so long as it’s as far away from me as possible!