I could ask for a lot of things that would make my life a lot easier and less stressful: a real vacation, a nanny, a housekeeper, a personal chef, a grocery delivery service like we used in Dublin.
But if I could have one wish granted it would simple be the ability Just to Be.
Just to be sick when I’ve come down with the flu after taking care of three sick kids for days on end while hubby is out of town after spending an entire weekend taking care of a sick hubby and keep the kids away from him so he could get better.
Just to be tired when I’ve been up throughout the night monitoring fevers, dispensing medicine, scaring away bad dreams and feeding the baby after laying in bed, my mind racing, unable to fall asleep because it’s the only time I get to think without being interrupted and I can’t shut it down.
Just to be able to say what I really feel instead of tiptoeing around other people’s feelings or in order to avoid an argument (that I don’t have the energy for) and instead of carrying all those feelings around inside of me, obsessing about what I want to say until it builds up and spews all over everyone in sight.
Just to be uninterested when my child presents me with her thousandth princess drawing this week or my son builds another block tower that he wants me to watch him knock down not because I’m not genuinely interested in their work (I really am proud of them every time!) but just because it’s absolutely exhausting and mundane to be the only one doing it 100% of the time.
Just to be angry when my toddler poops in his underwear again, my five-year-old has a meltdown about something ridiculous again or my seven-year-old tells me she hates homeschool again; doing my best to be a kind and loving mommy even when my children are not being kind or loving children takes a lot out of me.
Just to be lazy, to lay on the couch and watch TV and forget about all my other responsibilities once in a while without feeling major guilt or facing criticism and being made to feel like a failure.
Just to be a “bad” mommy and let my kids sit in front of the TV all day eating whatever nonsense they want instead of constantly listening to their “I’m bored” whining and fighting with them to eat healthily.
Just to be able to finish what I start without being interrupted a thousand times and without thing taking ten times longer than they should.
Just to be on time anywhere (and if it could get done without screaming or crying that would be the icing on the cake!)
But I don’t get to just be any of those things. Because I have to constantly be their mommy and his wife. I have to be their teacher. And their nurse. And their comfort. And their cook. And their laundress.
And it’s not that I don’t want to be any of those things, I’m happy to do things for my family. It’s the life I’ve always wished for and I wouldn’t trade it for the world but sometimes all the people that I spend my entire being taking care of forget that I need to be taken care of too when I don’t have enough time and energy to take care of myself.
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I really like this post. Well-said. I especially like the part about watching them do the same things over “because it’s absolutely exhausting and mundane to be the only one doing it 100% of the time.” Hopefully the hard work will pay off and it will get easier.
Yes! That is my current mindset: “It will all be worth it in the end!”