I arrived early to the gym for Sugarplum’s gymnastics class last week. There weren’t many people there yet and while we waited for her classmates to arrive, I scooped her into my arms. I lifted her up, wrapping my arms around her back as she encircled my neck and waist. Even at almost 6 years old, she is still so tiny her lankiness is easy to manage (almost easier than not yet 3 year old Doodle!)
A few moments later one of her classmates arrived and the other mommy asked me if Sugarplum was feeling okay. I cheerily replied “Yep, we’re just snuggling!” And I realized how strange it really is to see a mommy and child, especially one of Sugarplum’s age, embracing each other, giggling as they talk nose-to-nose.
It’s expected to see parents holding infants and young toddlers or consoling older toddlers and children in different ways. You’ll see parents twirling and tossing around their preschoolers. And as kids get older, the encounters become more along the lines of a squeeze on the neck or fist bump for a job well done. It’s not that the physical interactions don’t occur, they’re just less overt and the big gestures become more private.
And while I’m not one to shy away from physical affection with my children (I regularly do plenty of things that one child psychologist would consider “damaging”), I do tend more towards the typical interactions: a hug and kiss before bedtime; a snuggle when they’re scared or sleepy; a cuddle when they’ve got hurt feelings or bodies. I hold their hands when we cross the street and I tickle them often. I pull them close into me when we are walking side-by-side and squeeze them tight. There is certainly not a lack of physical contact.
But the above interaction occurred because I made a decision earlier in the week:
I vowed to myself that I would start engaging in random acts of affection regularly with my children.
I had begun playfully scooping my kids up as a way to relieve the stress and tension that had been building between us with all we have going on and the amount of time in our days I spend “bossing” them around about school and helping around the house. And I noticed every time I pulled them close, something strange happened: I had an uncontrollable urge to whisper “I love you” in their ears.
But it wasn’t just that I wanted to confess my overwhelming love, I also wanted to tell them all the things I adore about them. Like how Sugarplum is so sweet and funny and has been so helpful and kind with her brothers lately; and how proud I am of how responsible Honeybun has gotten and how eager she is to help with all the adult tasks hubby and I are responsible for; and how overjoyed I am by all the words Doodle is spewing out now after our speech concerns and how good he is about not being able to have the things his sisters have because of his dairy issues.
And so I made it a goal, I would engage in a random acts of affection every day with each of my children. I would take the time at least once every day to scoop up every single one of my children and hold them close for no reason at all. Not just at bedtime, not just when I’m leaving, not just when they’re scared, hurt or tired, but anytime just because.
And after weeks and weeks of family struggle, of constantly fighting, of spewing tears that could fill all the bathtubs in our house and of ending the day with scratchy throats from screaming and exhausted minds from fighting, we turned the corner.
My girls started doing their schoolwork willingly without arguing, screaming, throwing things or bursting into tears. Doodle stopped exclaiming “WHY?!?!” to everything I say to him. They’re no longer spending their days arguing, fighting, and intentionally making each other cry like they were. We’ve found the time to go swimming, ride bikes and play outside on the newly laid grass that we’ve been waiting months to get back. Taking just a few moments each day to give my kids these random acts of affection, to show them a little unexpected love and whisper “I love you soooooo much!” in their ears has made all the difference.
Once a day is all it takes. One unexpected moment. One random act of affection can change the way you view each other, remind you of the good feelings you have for one another and bring you back to a place of happy existence.
And I challenge you to take on the same small task: Engage in random acts of affection with each of your children each day. Simply scoop them up as they walk by or when they are helping you with something and take a moment to breathe them in before whispering whatever words fills your heart.
Share the challenge and your moments of love!
