I’m going to admit something right now: I’m scared of having “the talk” with my daughters. Why? I’m not exactly sure. But I know how important the first sex talk with kids is and how it needs to be approached the right way. And I could read dozens of online articles about how to approach it, but my kids have a different set of life experiences than most kids their age after witnessing (and photographing) the live births of their brothers.
They know all about how babies get out but we haven’t yet jumped into how babies get in, and that’s the part that scares me. It’s mostly because the conversation can splinter so many different directions so quickly and I want to be sure I’m prepared with an age appropriate answer to every single question they may have (I won’t lie to my kids about things, I always tell the truth using proper language and with as much detail as their maturity can handle.)
But I know the time is coming, I know that we need to start having conversations about puberty and love and sex. Because my daughters are going to be 6 and 8 next month. And it’s time to start opening up the lines of communication and talking with my girls, engaging in a “pre-sex talk” if you will.
So, we unexpectedly started yesterday when Sugarplum popped up in my room while I was getting dressed for the day and started taking “pictures” (on a miniature pink Hello Kitty toy camera) and I had just read an article about how teen sex has changed and it scared the crap out of me. And while I may not be ready to go all the way with them yet, there are some important things that I think they need to know now and we’ll be starting there.
5 Things to Talk About Before the Big Sex Talk with Kids
What is that?
Kids need to know the right names for things before you start delving into how they work and what exactly they’re for. I’ve always tried to use the appropriate names for my kids’ parts (though it’s a constant battle with my husband who seems to think it’s funny to use all the slang and ridiculous terms). We do use the terms “lady parts” and “boy bits” when referencing general areas but we also frequently use penis and vagina when those specific areas are involved in conversation. (I do not use vagina very much because it is very rare that my daughter’s vaginas are involved in situations unlike my son’s penises but they do know exactly what and where their vaginas are.)
Naked is for family only.
We’ve had this rule for quite a while. My girls know they should only change their clothes in front of close family members with the exception of during dance performances and the like. But that doesn’t mean we need to run around naked in front of all our grandparents and aunts and uncles, it just means it’s safe to change in front of them. I know some parents aren’t so concerned about nudity and I commend them for their bravery but for me, it’s not a place where I want to take chances with my children’s safety and it’s easier at this stage to say “never” then try to fill in all the gray areas.
No one should touch under your clothes.
This is a BIG one for me. With few exceptions, no one should be touching my children’s bodies under their clothes. Now that they are old enough to wipe their own bottoms and shower themselves, their bodies are essentially off-limits to outside touching. They don’t need to be touching each other’s bodies, I don’t need to be touching their bodies, their friends and strangers certainly shouldn’t be touching their bodies. If my daughters come to me with a concern or complaint about something, I will certainly look at it and if necessary adjust things to see better but I don’t get to poke and prod uninvited any more than anyone else does. And of course their doctor gets to do what he needs to do during check ups but my daughters know that even doctors only get to touch when mommy or daddy is right there.
Just say no to nudes.
This is a big one for me but something older generations would probably never even consider. When Sugarplum popped up with her camera and I said “stop, please don’t take pictures of my naked body,” both of my girls looked perplexed. I told them that we never need to take pictures of naked bodies and when Honeybun asked why, my answer was simple: “Do you want other people to see the pictures?” She of course replied no which led into today’s digital world and how if the pictures exist, other people could possibly see them. If they don’t even exist, they can’t be seen by anyone so it’s always better to just not take them in the first place. (And I just hope this idea sticks with them as they grow and face pressure from others!)
They need to take care of their bodies.
This is the most important one for me because it encompasses all of the points above. I’ve touched on it before in a letter to my daughters about caring for the only bodies they will ever have. But it’s not just about bathing regularly, exercising and eating right, it’s about respecting their bodies and setting boundaries for what their bodies are for. And at their age, their bodies aren’t for much more than laughing, learning and playing. They are not anywhere near an age where their bodies should be shared with someone else and so having boundaries for what is appropriate and not appropriate is important. My hope is that by reinforcing these boundaries now, they will continue to value them into their futures as they grow and eventually enter into more mature relationships.
It’s just a start, I know the big talk it coming and having the sex talk with kids can’t be avoided. But I want to make sure that the foundations for the talk are set ahead of getting into the specifics. I want to know that my kids understand what their bodies are essentially for and how to respect their bodies before we get into other uses and purposes of their bodies and individual parts.
We’ve got a long road ahead of us but ultimately I hope to avoid having to have “the talk” and instead just having open lines of conversation about our bodies and love and sex because they really do all go together and I want my children to feel comfortable coming to me with questions or concerns as I believe “the talk” needs to be an ongoing conversation, not a single moment.
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Girl, this has been on my mind lately, too. I KNOW I need to have the talk. My kids know all the anatomy and their correct names. Why does this scare me so much?!
It is seriously TERRIFYING! I think for me it’s because I know it’s a 2-way street so my girls will get to direct part of the conversation and I have no idea where it might end up and the questions they may ask.
I think these are very important. My daughter just turned four but she already knows the anatomy of the human body and that nobody should touch her private parts. It is sometimes difficult to discuss but the earlier you do it the easier it gets
Tori
http://www.TheMamaNurse.com
You’re right. We’ve covered all the things listed above but that next step–puberty and sex–is a lot more intimidating!
Such good rules! So important and ‘basic’ but so very important to share with new moms!
They are basic but we can’t assume kids know these things, it’s so important to actually discuss them.
This is definitely a great list. I’m not looking forward to the talk someday, but do think it is important to help raise my baby learning the appropriate names for things, how to take care of himself, and that private is private.
Yes, those are the most important!
Some very good points and a few things I didn’t even think of! My girls are 5 and 10 and I haven’t had the talk yet though my oldest is developing and hitting puberty. My husband is a bit religious and doesn’t even want the talk given and I’m not sure how to deal with that because they do need the talk. And my own upbringing doesn’t help. I got the talk at school. I was in Catholic school at the time so it was very religion based, don’t do anything with anyone before marriage, don’t even self-pleasure kind of talk. Yikes. My mother did not have the talk with me so I’m kind of lost and still trying to figure it all out.
I didn’t get “the talk” either, my parents let school do the schooling and I guess I turned out okay but that may be why I’m so nervous about being on the parenting end of things!