What Do I Tell My Daughters?

Edited October 9, 2016 to add:

I originally penned this post after the Brock Turner rape conviction. But recent events in the US presidential election have brought these feelings back up in me. 

The words Donald Trump uttered many years ago that have resurfaced are being brushed off by many as mere “locker room talk.” But for me, as a mother to two young girls, that is where they problem lies: we are not only brushing it off, we are justifying it.

Saying that it’s “normal” and all men say these kinds of things. But if they are saying them, that means they are also thinking them. We don’t let our kids gets away with saying hateful things and then take it back with a “just kidding!” because we know that every thought has at least a small amount of truth behind it. And how can I trust that people thinking these things won’t act on them?

By brushing it off as typical male behavior, we are saying the behavior is okay. And it’s not. It’s never okay for a man to violate a woman’s body (nor would it be okay for a woman to do it to a man.) 

I keep seeing memes and articles saying we shouldn’t make our kids hug and kiss other people, that we need to teach them to be in control of their own bodies. The attitude around Trump’s remarks are the exact opposite of that, our justification of his words is telling our boys that they can do whatever they want because “boys will be boys” and I call bullshit. Not my sons and NOT my daughters!

I don’t usually jump in on trending topics. I left the gorilla alone because every opinion on the topic is already out there, I really had nothing to add. I have nothing to say about the toddler taken by an alligator at Disney because I can’t even imagine the pain felt by his family. But this Stanford rape thing is really killing my conscience. And while I know we’re all tired of hearing about it, reading about it, seeing it but the truth is ignoring it won’t make it go away. And it has to go away. Rape has to go away.

I’m a mommy. I’ve got 4 kids, 2 on each side of the problem.

I’m confident I can raise my sons to not be like the man in the story. I know what to say to them about respecting other people and their bodies. I know how to teach them right from wrong. I know I can create men who don’t take advantage of women who are inebriated but rather help and protect them. Because they would want the same for their sisters. I know that even if my sons grow up to be world-class anythings, they will still know and feel the weight of the consequences from the choices they make. I know what to say to them to help them become the best men they can be.

But what the fuck do I tell my daughters? What do I tell them to help them learn to protect themselves from men who aren’t like their brothers?

Be mindful of how you dress because you don’t want to send the wrong message.

Be careful of how much you drink. Don’t ever leave your drink unattended. Actually, you probably just shouldn’t drink at all because if you aren’t in a compromised state your body can’t be compromised by others.

There is safety in numbers. Always travel in groups, never wander away from your friends on your own and don’t leave a friend on her own.

And while these are great life rules, what message do they tell my daughters? It tells them they are the problem, their actions are what jeopardize their safety. It surrounds them in a cloud of living in fear and it places no responsibility on the men they may encounter.

And that’s where the problem lies. The problem lies in the fact that we place all responsibility on women to protect themselves rather than on men to not be asshole rapists.

It’s not just victim blaming, it’s woman shaming. It perpetuates the stereotypes that women are sub par to men. It is our job to protect ourselves because men just can’t help themselves. It’s bullshit.

I tell my daughters they can be anything they want to be, that no dream is too big and that hard work and persistence pays off. But what they can’t ever be is carefree.

I want my daughters to have a strong sense of self, to do things they like and be confident in who they are and what they want to be. But they’ll always have to be careful of how they portray themselves for fear of being seen the wrong way.

I hope that my daughters will grow up to be strong, mindful women who can take care of themselves. And they’re going to have to, they’re going to have to constantly be on high alert in order to protect themselves.

I don’t want my daughters to live in fear of rape or sexual assault any more than I want them to fear being mugged or shot. But that is not our current reality.

Our current reality is my daughters are at risk because not all boys are being raised like my sons. Because some men still believe that needing or wanting sex is a natural thing and something they don’t have control over. But when needing sex is seen as an uncontrollable urge, it gives men the idea that it also means they can take control of others to fulfill their urges. And these messages are being sent to our young boys. And those boys become men. And those men become rapists. And those rapists see nothing wrong with their actions.

And so our daughters, young women everywhere are left holding the responsibility for what was done to them. They are told “you shouldn’t have been drinking,” “maybe if you had worn something different,” “what were you doing alone with a guy anyways?!” Yet these same things aren’t to the men. They aren’t told to not drink, to dress responsibly or stick together. They’re told “have a good time.” And that’s what they think they are doing.

But what we all need to realize as a society is that one person’s good time does not sanction abuse to others. That my feelings don’t negate the feelings of those around me. That my wants, needs, desires don’t trump the autonomy and well-being of another human being.

I want to believe that it will get better. That in the next 10 years, before my eldest heads off to college, that the climate around rape will change. That policies will change. That colleges will change. That when my daughters are ready to head off on their own, the world will be a better place. But I’m a realist and I know that change is slow and 10 years is not that long and so the responsibility falls on my husband and me to prepare our children for this world.

We will teach our sons how to be good men. They will know how to care for and respect women and I hope they are the ones walking drunk women home in order to protect them from predators because I have confidence they will not even think about being a predator. My sons are small but I already have the words in my head, I know what I’m going to say when the time is right.

But I have no idea what I’m going to tell my daughters who are growing up before my eyes. I have no fucking clue what wisdom I can give them to help them protect themselves. And I am devastated that this is even an issue.