When we were living abroad, part of our relocation package through hubby’s company included airplane tickets back to the states to visit our family. A few times a year, I would hop on an airplane with just my girls and make the 9 hour journey back “home.”
Between our home visits and our traveling all over Europe, I got really good at airports. I could quickly and easily get through security even with my toddler, baby, car seats and carry-ons and no assistance. I would wait near the gate because I knew we’d get called to board first and I liked having the extra time to install the girls’ car seats and get everyone settled.
But we didn’t get called first because we were a “young family,” we also got to fly business class. I’ll never forget the looks on the other passenger’s faces (mostly businessmen and uppity-ups) when they saw me plopping my girls’ car seats in their business class seats. To make things “worse,” Honeybun had to sit with a stranger across the aisle from me so that I could it next to Sugarplum (even though she was under two, she always had her own seat and both girls always used their car seats on the plane.)
But not once I did I bring or offer other passengers goody bags for flying with my kids. Not once did I apologize for my girls’ presence on an airplane. And now even with 4 kids, I don’t plan to jump on the trend of handing other passengers goody bags for flying with my kids. And for good reason.
The trend of apologizing for our kids’ mere existence is ridiculous. Kids learn by doing and keeping my kids locked up at home until they’re adults will do society no favors. I take my kids everywhere I go and they’ve learned how to behave not only because I expect them to but because they are given the opportunity to. And it’s not any different when we fly. I expect my kids to behave on the plane and give them the opportunity to act appropriately rather than expecting them to be raging lunatics.
Why I won’t hand out goody bags for flying with my kids:
My kids have a right to be there as much as you do.
You don’t give me a goody bag when you come on the plane drunk. You don’t give me a goody bag when you spread your newspaper out all over my face or when you fall asleep on my shoulder. You don’t give me a goody bag along with the nasty looks, deep sighs and eye rolls as you sit down next to me and my baby.
I paid for my seat just on that airplane just like you did. I paid for my child’s seat on that airplane, just like you did. We all have somewhere we’re trying to go and none of us like being stuck inside a metal tube any more than the next person. So I take the stand, let’s just get this over with and often offer the advice to other parents flying for the first time: “don’t worry about what happens during the flight, once you get there it won’t really matter.”
I promise I’m doing my best to keep my kids under control.
Despite popular belief, not all children are hellians on the airplane. My children are well-versed to airplane travel and generally very well-behaved (though I can’t say they’ve never been loud or kicked the seat in front of them.)
And we parents aren’t all inconsiderate, entitled, rude people either. I don’t need to give you a goody bag for flying with my kids as a pre-apology for what my kids may or may not do on the plane because I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure they act appropriately, just like I do every other public place we go.
I want them to sit quietly and nicely as much as you do.
Trust me, no parent wants their kids to be loud, obnoxious or wild on an airplane. It is a thousand times more stressful for me to deal with my misbehaving kids than it is for you to have to be near them.
This is why I come prepared with lots of toys and goodies to get my kids through the flight as painlessly as possible. And this is why I bend our usual strict rules about screen time, snacks and juice. Really, I just want everyone to be happy (including you!)
I don’t have room for goody bags.
If you ever see me in the airport, I’m the one with 4 kids, 3 car seats, a stroller and 5 bazillion carry-on bags. And while I’ve gotten really good at packing those carry-on bags and only have the necessities (you know: diapers, snacks, change of clothes in case of accidents, headphone, neck pillows, toys…) it’s still a crap ton of stuff when you’re talking about 6 people. Plus most of those people are small and incapable of carrying their portion of the load.
So where exactly do you expect me put these magical goody bags you think you deserve for flying with my kids?
Your happiness is not my #1 concern when I’m flying with my kids.
You might think that everyone else in the world floats around your coattails and unicorn farts but the truth is, my kids are my world and I will worry about them 100% all the time whether on an airplane or at home. I don’t care if you’re miserable, it’s not my responsibility to make you happy.
And don’t make the assumption I’m on that airplane because we’re going to Disney World. Don’t assume we’re on vacation, traveling for fun or sight-seeing. I have been on my share of bereavement flights, flying to bury a loved one trying to keep control on my emotions and my kids.
And there are many other reasons people fly with their kids for more than vacation: moving away from a long-time home, getting to see a deployed military family member, going back to see a sick or dying friend… Just because I have my kids along doesn’t mean my journey is joyous.
You’re a grown up.
I know that a lot of people think this is the worst reason but I’ll tell you why it’s the most important: you’re not only a grown up person who is capable of handling stress and uncomfortable situations (like being contained inside a small space for hours upon hours), you’re also a role model for my kids.
Trust me, my kids are watching you. They see everything you do and they pick up on your body language and attitude. If you smile at them, talk to them and are relaxed around them, they’ll think they made a new friend and be over the moon. But on the other hand, if you’re grumpy, aggravated and do everything you can to ignore my kids, they’ll pick up on your stress and think that flying is a miserable, horrible experience and will act accordingly.
While I understand many parents have adopted the handing out of goody bags when flying with their kids as a good-faith gesture and ice breaker, I personally think it sends the wrong message. It says, once again, that parents and children are not equal to business and single people. It sends the message that we are sorry for having children and I, for one, will not apologize for my children.
Here are some ideas other than goody bags for making flights easier for everyone:
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On a recent trip from Florida I was seated next to a young family with a 9 momth old. The trip was very pleasant as the parents came prepared. Lots of snacks, activities and Mom was willing to breastfeed during the flight. As a grandmother who has travel with her own children and now the grandchildren I was surprised how prepared this family was as this was their first flight with the baby. I always try to engage the kids if I am sitting with them. Often my interaction makes for a more pleasant trip for everyone. Children are very receptive to anyone who will engage them. It was a pleasant trip for all of us. The mother even thanked me for being kind to their family.
If everyone were as kind to families and optimistic about how the flight could go, most parents would probably be less stressed themselves about traveling with their young children.
Yes yes yes! We are all there because we have to travel, and we all have the right to be there. We do the best we can with our kids, but the other passengers certainly have not earned and have no reason to expect ,special treatment just because we are traveling with a family, and they are not.
I agree completely, Julie! I should not have to cater to people without kids and more than I expect them to cater to me because I have kids.
I don’t think you need to, but if it is their personality to kindly acknowledge other paying passengers than more power to them. As a frequent business traveler I so appreciate when a parent is courteous vs. an entitled jerk. And unfortunately the latter happens more often than not. I’ve been the woman who’s been spilled on, laid upon so a mom could take a photo of her kid vomiting into the sick bag and had parents use to ask their kids to stop kicking on transatlantic flights. I’ve also been the woman entertaining children so mom and dad can get a break. I think theae people are wonderful to fo above and beyond. Of course, goody bags go beyond basic courtesy but they’re not hurting anyone. I’d rather this than a, ‘ F you. I’m a parent and my kid may act up. You’re an adult so you are not as entitled as we are,” mentality I so often encounter.
Heather, I’m really to sorry to hear about your experiences with parents on planes in the past. And while crappy people of all kinds (parents included) are everywhere, it’s really unfortunate that a few bad parents have ruined the expectations of child-free passengers such as yourself.
I think the whole thing is that everyone needs to be respectful of others. Parents definitely need to respect other passengers of all kinds but we shouldn’t feel like we need to apologize for traveling with our children and that’s what goody bags are, an apology for bringing our children where they are entitled to be. You bought an airplane ticket just like I did (except I paid for 6 out of my own pocket) and if we’re all honest about our expectations then flights would be a lot better. There’s going to be families on airplanes and that includes screaming babies and wild toddlers.
Sorry for typos. I will never get used to touchscreen…
I didn’t even know that was a thang! I’ve traveled with four kids all over the country many times over. I’ve never apologized for my kids’ presence- nor should you – it sends a horrible message to the child! Kudos to you for using car seats. I’ve never seen another passenger do that – even though I know it’s an option. Honestly, I’ve never seen children really act up on a plane. I’ve had to make one trip with a baby who cried the whole time – but we are talking BABY! Poor thing’s ears were probably hurting.
If people think they should get something because they have to sit next to a child, I can only imagine what kind of entitled messages they send to their own children.
I’ve seen all kinds of kids on airplanes, both excellent and horrible (and truthfully, mine have been both as well!) but I also see very well behaved and ill-behaved children at the grocery store, restaurants and playgrounds but it doesn’t mean I apologize for their presence those places either.
Incredible! My kids are older now, but they, too, flew quite a bit when they were young. My kids–all 5 of them–were well behaved because I expected it. After many a flight, people would come up to me (who traveled alone a lot, too) and say, “I can’t believe how week they did on the plane” or (my favorite 🙄) “I was really dreading the flight when I saw you board w your kids but they were great” Ridiculous. The fact that people had such low expectations was irritating. Even if they had not behaved, the thought of giving goody bags NEVER occurred to me. It’s crazy for all the reasons you stated. You sound like a great mama.
I get those same comments a lot as well, Sheila. I often get the “I didn’t even know there were kids sitting here they were so quiet.” When given the opportunity and expectation that children will behave, they usually do.
I don’t expect a goodie bag, but I do think if the parents don’t have a good relationship with their child(ren) and don’t know how to keep them calm and happy then they shouldn’t bring them on a plane! Like you said, not all children are crazy on the planes, and they don’t need to be if the parents know what they’re doing :)
Laura, I think what everyone needs to remember (parents and non-parents) is that traveling whether by car, boat or plane is stressful for EVERYONE but kids have less life experience and stress-coping skills. To say that a child who is upset on a plane doesn’t have a “good relationship” with his/her parents is making a completely unjustified assumption. I’ve had many times when out with my kids (not just on planes but at restaurants, stores, etc.) where the things I usually use to keep my kids calm and happy aren’t available or don’t work in the different environment. To say that any parent with a “crazy” child doesn’t know what they’re doing is what is perpetuating the idea that all children are out of control and parents need to apologize for having their kids out in public.
Am about to travel back home with my baby and I was freaking out what traveling with kids has become after I read the goodies article. Thank you for writing this, feel so much encouraged. Will not apologize to anyone for bringing along my baby especially now that he goes where I go!
The world is going crazy. Instead of worrying bout not getting into the planes with some wierdos hell bent on destroying world peace we worry bout traveling with babies who are completely harmless!! Even though there are kids who can be troublesome and outright annoying, most of the time we all just want to get to our destinations without bothering the next person and weren’t all babies at some point??
Yes to all of this Sal! I just always remind myself that no matter how the flight goes, once we are to our destination it won’t matter anymore and I’ll never have to see those nasty people on the plane again and so long as my children are taken care of, that is all that matters!
I think you may be misunderstanding the purpose behind these goodie bags. I’m considering it for my 18-month-old’s first flight coming up in a couple weeks. By no means would I be “apologizing for my child’s presence.” It is simply a recognition that the flight may be a little unpleasant if my child screams the whole time. If you think someone else’s child screaming in your ear for 5 hours is not unpleasant, then more power to you. But not everyone is you. I see nothing wrong with trying to be courteous to fellow passengers, just like I would want someone to be courteous to me traveling with my child. And I’m sorry, but there’s really no comparison to being on a plane with your kid and being in a park, restaurant, grocery store, etc. In all of those other places, people have the freedom to get up and leave if they find your child annoying. Except maybe a restaurant, in which case wouldn’t you lean over and say for example “sorry my child threw food at you?” Again, not apologizing for their presence in a restaurant, but certainly apologizing for bad behavior. That’s just called being respectful and kind. I’m not saying everyone should do this, but you certainly have no right to say people SHOULDN’T do this
Megan, I fully understand what the bags are for and will never tell you what to put in your carry-on baggage. And I do and will always apologize for my children’s inappropriate behavior, assuming they know it’s inappropriate (and a baby crying does not fall into that category). But what I won’t do is apologize before I even buckle my kids’ car seats. And remember, courtesy is a two-way street. Why should I have to go out of my way to be nice and courteous to other passengers when a lot are rude to me from the moment I step foot in the airport?
I hope your flight with your goes well and that your little one doesn’t scream at all. I hope that you get the “wow, I didn’t even know you had a baby!” comments when you’re deplaning instead of the dirty looks but I promise you goody bags won’t achieve that for you, your time will be better spent preparing yourself and your child to have a successful flight.
Melissa, I’m so sorry to disagree again, but I hold fast to my statement that you are misunderstanding the meaning of theses. 7 times. 7 times through your original post and in response to others you say you shouldn’t apologize for simply having your child there. You very specifically say to Heather “…and that’s what these are. An apology for bringing our children where they are entitled to be.” And again I will say, that’s not what these are for. It’s not even a preemptive apology for what a child may do. It’s simply a kind gesture acknowledging that I, as a parent, am aware that if my child screams the whole flight, I understand that it sucks for the people around us. And yes, it sucks most for me and my kiddo, I will agree with you when you say I’m the most stressed one out of everyone. However, what has happened to the idea of kind gestures to our neighbors? At one point in your post you say ” I want everyone to be happy (including you)” but somewhere else you say “I don’t care if you’re miserable, it’s not my responsibility to make you happy.” What kind of message is that? No, it’s not my responsibility to make my neighbor happy, but I also hope not be responsible for his misery. We should care the most about our own children of course, but we should also care about the people around us. We need more people in this world to care about complete strangers. You ask me why you should go out of your way to be nice and courteous to other passengers when a lot are rude? Well, just as you don’t like people to judge your kids with their eyerolls as soon as they see you, you shouldn’t judge ALL the other passengers based on some bad experiences. What’s wrong with being nice just to be nice? Even if that means being nice to rude people. Someone has to break the cycle. And I’m ok with that person being me. And let’s remember that we’re talking about little bags with candy, gum, and ear plugs for goodness sakes. Nothing crazy. I’m not spending hundreds of dollars or hundreds of hours. Who are you to say what response I will get from people if and when I hand these out and if it will be worth my time? You’ve never done it. I appreciate your response to me, but I will say that you didn’t even address most of the points I made in my original post. I was unsure if I was going to do these goodie bags, which is how I ended up on your site, reading what people had to say about it. So I guess thank you for convincing me that it’s something I now want to do. After reading your reasons for not doing it (which contradict each other and make plenty assumptions about others), and hearing your complete disregard for other people, I realize I do not want to be in the same category as you. I want to be nice, even if it’s a one-way street even though I agree it should be a two-way street. But we shouldn’t only be nice to people who are nice to us; that will get us nowhere fast.
Megan, I think we’re just in a cycle of misunderstanding each other. I do go out of my way regularly to be kind to other people, I don’t go about the world entitled and acting though my children can do no wrong. I apologize to others for their misbehavior when necessary but mostly try to prevent it in the first place. I can want other people to be happy without having to be responsible for creating it.
I am courteous to people who do the same for me. I often board the plane with my kids and piles of crap and joke with people as we go down the aisle (usually all the way to the back where airlines seem to think all families should be seated). I smile at my seatmates who smile at me, I make small talk as they want to, if they want to. And if they want to be left alone, I leave them alone and just focus on the needs of my kids.
The main point I am trying to make in all of this is that we as parents need to stop perpetuating the idea that children are a nuisance and miserable to be around. Instead of trying to make other people feel better about my children’s behavior, I choose to focus on developing well-behaved kids.
I agree! I’ve always flown with my kids, and I also have 4 now, and never once took goodie bags to anyone. I’m respectful and I apologise if my kids are disrespectful, but not before it.
And they’ve always behaved quite well, I think.
If I ever take a goodie bag, it’ll be for me and my kids. Or for a totally awesome flight attendant.
Yes to the flight attendants, I might actually do that next time we fly! They are the ones who deserve goodie bags for having to put up with screaming kiddos AND the grumpy adults that are usually worse.
I began reading thinking that you were not going to take goody bags for your children. I wondered what the justification for this would be (there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation). I am stunned by the idea of giving goody bags to other passengers in case they are offended in some way by the presence or behaviour of my children. My children fly a lot so are no problem on flights.
I think that child or adult you should respect other people and have empathy for differing circumstances. People can be obnoxious regardless of whether they have offspring!
I’m on Team Goodie Bag. It surprises and wows people. We welcome Plane Neighbors sending good thoughts our way. We are a family of empaths and negative thoughts directed at us or in the air hurt us without us even trying.
I can understand this, Hazel. We each need to do what works for us and our family!
I agree with you! We’re flying for the first time. So many rude comments when I ask for advice, including to “take a bus” (yeah, 20 hrs). I’m not making goodie bags to pacify grown adults that want to have a toddler tantrum because they have to sit with kids on a plane. Here’s the thing-my kids are toddlers. They only know ‘so much’ when it comes to doing better, but these people sighing, being disrespectful, and rolling their eyes? ADULTS.
The only thing that gets me through many flights is knowing that eventually it will be over and none of those other people matter!