If you’ve met me recently, you’ll most likely think I’m a spacey, inconsiderate bimbo because I’m always late and constantly forget the most basic things (the blonde hair and big, breastfeeding boobs certainly don’t help my case, either).
But really, I’m just a regular old mommy. With 4 kids. Who suffers from “mommy brain.”
I’m sure you’ve heard of the affliction that causes formerly functional women to become hot messes, mommy brain is usually preceded by the closely related “pregnancy brain” which causes expectant mothers to revert to a basic level of survival, easily forgetting all non-essential information.
And while many people blame these conditions on the abnormally high levels of hormones, stress and exhaustion, I have another explanation:
I’m fairly certain my children are actually brain eating zombies.
You see, before my first child I was an ultra-organized, well-groomed adult who was always on time and prepared for anything. To do lists, calendars and reminders were never my thing because I didn’t need them. I easily remembered every aspect of every facet of my life.
Cue pregnancy one and I became super clumsy but only slightly forgetful. Example: I locked myself out of the house once when my husband was out of the country and we had no family or friends around with a spare key. I spent 2 hours, 8 months pregnant in my South Florida garage (in June) while I waited for a locksmith to come cut our door handle off. And then I promptly headed to the hardware store for a new one abandoning whatever plans had taken me out of the house to begin with.
After baby arrived, though, I quickly noticed a shift. I was no longer 15 minutes or more early to everything. I occasionally forgot about appointments or where I put things like my sunglasses or her shoes. But we easily survived without any catastrophic incidences.
Fast forward 8 years and 3 more babies and I’m a hot mess. I’m lucky if we leave the house by our appointment times. And I’m even more lucky if I get out with all my kids plus diapers, wipes, snacks, waters and shoes on everyone’s feet.
And as I’ve gotten more forgetful, my kids have gotten better at remembering. “Mommy, you forgot…” and “don’t we have to leave soon?” are standard phrases in our home these days. My children are taking over the responsible remembering that used to be my domain.
Leaving me stuck asking the question: how did this happen?!
The only logical explanation I can come up with is that my zombie children are secretly eating my brains during the very few hours that they actually let me sleep at night. They must be sneaking to my bedside at night to get their fill. I’ve caught them there before, standing almost nose to nose with me, scaring the crap out of me and causing a lot of nasty words to fly out of my mouth (they’ve also done it to my husband who nearly decked our daughter early one morning.)
What other explanation can there be for one of my children being so near to my head in the middle of the night? Why else could they possibly be there other than to steal my brains? And how else could all of them possibly be so stinkin’ smart?
It’s clear to me that my children are stealing any smarts that I may have previously possessed (and science proves it’s true!)
