This Place Has Always Been Hard for Me

I sat in the car, driving to an event with the baby sleeping in the backseat. It was the closest I’ve been to actually alone in a long time. With four kids, two of whom I homeschool, a toddler and an almost 1-year-old, life is never quiet. Even during our designated “resting” time, I’m always on edge, waiting for someone to wake the baby up or for a little head to peek around the corner and ask if nap time is over yet.

Life has been more than overwhelming lately. Over the past month I’ve sent my husband I don’t know how many angry/crying/helpless texts and e-mails all saying the same thing: “I can’t do this anymore.”

I try not to bother him but sometimes I just need to say all the crazy things in my head. To get them out so I can move on.

We’re in a sort of limbo right now. My husband’s future with his company is uncertain with a lot of speculation flying through the air about what might or might not happen at some point in the near or distant future. We spend our evenings discussing the “what ifs,” pretending like we can have any sort of plan for what our future might hold.

From the time I wake up in the morning (usually around 7:30 if I’m lucky and the baby sleeps in) until I put dinner on the table (lately around 8:00 pm when we get back from my daughter’s gymnastics practice and my husband is home from work), I am alone with those four children. It’s just me and them. The pre-tween attitude queen 8 year-old; the miss bossy bottoms 6 year-old; the rambunctious and rowdy Mr. Particular 3 year-old; and the into everything 11 month old.

My girls don’t do their school work, the house is a mess, the boys don’t sleep anymore and I can’t even pretend like I’m achieving anything more than staying alive when it comes to my dream of writing. I’m more of a referee, cook and chauffeur, shuttling everyone to hours-long gymnastics practices, than I am any sort of normal human person.

My kids spend their days arguing with me about routine things and antagonizing each other. I spend my days feeling helpless and hopeless. I’m overwhelmingly lonely at times and always feel like a failure.

I don’t know what made me think of it during that quiet drive (a long 51 miles each way) but it all of a sudden hit me: this place has always been hard for me.

When my first daughter was 11 months old, I quit my main job. The prior 10 months of working 4 part-time jobs and running from here to there had worn be down and I started looking for a new full-time position. Ultimately, my husband ended up taking a job in Ireland and we moved less than a year later.

When my second daughter was 11 months old, I begged my husband to let us move back “home.” We loved living in Ireland but our second daughter was a fiery little thing and the prior 11 months of listening to her scream uncontrollably and not being able to help her with our family thousands of miles away and my friends a half hour bus ride in the rain away had done me in. A year later we were back in Florida.

When my first son was 11 months old, I was struggling with a tough job schedule and a kindergartener that was being beat down by the system. We started talking about homeschooling and looking for a new house with a yard where the kids could run around. A year later we were finishing up our first year of homeschooling and moving into a new house a half hour away.

And now here I am, 11 months in with baby number four and I wasn’t prepared for the realization that this place has always been hard for me. The “ah-ha” moment hit me when I was least expecting it and as my eyes filled with tears and my chest filled with pain, I found a place of peace with my situation. I could sense the feelings of helplessness begin to shrink away.

Because while this place has always been hard for me, I always came out of it victorious on the other end. Because even though 11 months has kicked my mommy butt every time, I’ve always survived. I don’t remember when things began to settle with the other kids whether it was once we decided to make a change (accepting the job in Ireland, moving home, beginning homeschooling…) or whether it just happened organically, I know it happened eventually.

And so, as I sit here staring at an uncertain future for our family, knowing that another big change could be coming and completely consumed by our chaos, I also know that we will make it through this. I will get past this 11 month-old hard place and find peace in our future.

Who knows what the next year holds for our family, all I know is it can only go up from here!