My girls were born 25 months apart and have always been close. They get along most of the time, play nicely together (most of the time) and like the same things (most of the time…)
When they were smaller, it was easy to keep their lives somewhat separated. They each had their own friends and activities. My eldest went to school and did ballet while the younger had playdates and did gymnastics (we strategically chose ballet and gymnastics for them based on their individual strengths, personalities and abilities).
But as they’ve grown and now that we’re homeschooling, their lives cross over a lot more. They each still take classes in their own genre and have friends that are special to them but most of our playdates are as a family and they also take a few homeschool classes together.
One of the classes they do together is a gymnastics class. The class is specifically for homeschoolers and the kids range in age from 4 to 8 (mine are 5 and 7 so right in the middle!) And while gymnastics has always been Sugarplum’s thing, I figured if I was taking her, might as well put Honeybun in as well thinking it might help with her flexibility and balance for her ballet class.
We’ve been doing the class since September and things have been going great. Both girls have made huge advancements in their skills and confidence and are fine, happy even, going in to class together each Tuesday morning.
But then the current session ended last week and when the class had their little “graduation” ceremony the coach announced that Sugarplum would be joining the pre-team this summer (she started in the beginners class for her age, moved into the advanced class after one session then was invited to the pre-team but we had to decline due to a scheduling conflict.)
It wasn’t a surprise to us, we’d talked about it with the coach and as a family. But as we were getting dressed to head home one of the other mothers said “is Honeybun okay? My daughter thinks she looks sad.”
I looked down at Honeybun and she did indeed have her angry pouty face on. I noticed she had her ribbon but not her award and asked where it was. Another child pulled it out of the trash can and Honeybun snatched it out of the child’s hand before storming off towards the door.
When we got to the car, I told her that by throwing her award in the trash she was not respecting herself and her hard work, the certificate was acknowledgement of all she had achieved during her class. And not wanting to make a scene in front of her brothers and sister, I left it at that (for the moment).
It can be hard having the two girls so close together in age, especially as they grow and are able to do many of the same things, because they are so different. We have always taken a “life is not fair and never will be” approach to our kids but more importantly, we have always tried to acknowledge, foster, develop and love their individual strengths and differences.
When I had the time for a one-on-one with Honeybun later that day, we talked about her feelings. She desperately wants to be on pre-team as well and I understand her being upset. But I was honest with her, gymnastics is her sister’s strength. Sugarplum has been doing it longer, is high-energy and has insane flexibility and strength (which is rare) as well as no fear. These are all the reasons why we started her in gymnastics classes at 3 years old.
On the other hand, Honeybun is very much like me. She is more subdued, graceful, deliberate and … All of which are great attributes for ballet and she has excelled in ballet.
So it’s not that she is bad at gymnastics, it’s just that Sugarplum is better. And as horrible as that sounds, it’s not meant to be a dig at anyone because Honeybun is, and always will be, better at other things like ballet. It’s important that my kids grow up knowing we all have our strengths, the things we are good at and the things that we might never really be so good at and that’s okay.
I always use the example of hubby and I: my husband could take ballet classes every day of the week but he will never be as good a dancer as I am simply because he doesn’t have the experience, natural ability (seriously, the man can barely bend down to touch his shins!) or passion I do. But it doesn’t hurt his feelings I’m a better dancer because he’s a better golfer and downhill bike rider. And I’m okay with that.
If I achieve nothing else in parenting, I hope that I can instill confidence in my children. I want them to always do their best at everything but to also know their strengths and how to use them to their advantage. Because knowing what you’re good at and pursuing those things will always take you farther in life than comparing yourself to others and trying to be the best at everything.
But it’s a hard thing to teach, especially to a child like Honeybun who is so analytical and takes everything to heart. And it’s made even more difficult when her younger sister is coming up right behind, doing many of the same things. But I believe competition is a good thing and truthfully, dealing with sibling rivalry is probably easier because I have a true understanding and love for each girl involved so can have a rational discussion about competition without taking sides or putting down another child. And I think it helps them learn good sportsmanship and respect for others easier because they are proud of their sibling’s achievements even when they are sad in their own but need help understanding all those big feelings and figuring out appropriate behaviors in the situation.
I am raising a family but within it are 4 very individual and unique people. There is no one-size-fits-all and life will never be “fair” but I will always do my best to meet their individual needs, encourage their individual interests and foster their individual strengths and talents. I want each of my children to grow up feeling valued and important not only to our family but to our community and world. I want them to know they each have something to offer that is unique to them so they can get past comparing themselves to others and it starts at home by recognizing and cherishing their differences.
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