Working it Out

When Honeybun (ah, my sweet little Honeybun…) was a baby, the “cry it out” method was a mystery to me.  It wasn’t that I was against it, per se, it was that I couldn’t see a need for it.  I didn’t understand why/when/where/how it could be necessary.  It’s not that I judged parents that used it, I just couldn’t see how it would ever benefit me in my life.

 Fast forward 2 years and say hello to Sugarplum, my vivacious screamer (see “The Scream Heard Around the Neighborhood”).  My poor little baby who (we later found out was probably in massive amounts of pain) would lay around screaming when she was tired.  Rocking, cuddling, feeding, patting, NOTHING worked to calm her.  Hours upon hours of screaming until she would pass out from exhaustion and I would cry in frustration. This is when I saw the benefit of “cry it out”.  I could try to comfort her and feel my heart crack, break and shatter into a million pieces while I was unable to calm her or I could leave her.  The result was the same, she cried until she exhausted herself, but the difference was how it affected me.

When I would try to calm her it would somehow upset her and prolong the ordeal.  It would make me feel inadequate as a mommy and like a failure to my child.  She would cry for hours sometimes as I tried to soothe her.  If I would just let her be, she would usually be asleep by the time I was out of the shower (I’ll admit I took some really LONG showers in those days).  She eventually came around, we got her the care she needed for the pain she was most likely having and she learned to put herself to sleep and is now the most cuddly three year old I’ve ever known.

Fast forward 3 more years and we’ve come full circle.  Doodle is now in the same boat, but in a different way.  He will easily be soothed at the breast or with rocking but he immediately wakes and cries when you stop.  The past two nights, it’s taken 2 hours for him to settle back down in the wee hours of the morning.  The first night, hubby and I took turns comforting and rocking him (see “Teething Troubles”) but last night I just didn’t have it in me.  I was too cold, tired and emotionally exhausted to stand over him in his bed and rock him back to sleep.

He wasn’t crying, screaming or hysterical, he was just whining but it went on and on for almost two hours.  Hubby and I each went in a time or two to re-wrap him (we don’t swaddle him tight anymore, but still loosely wrap him as a matter of routine to indicate it’s sleeping time and provide warmth) and turn on his lights and sounds machine.

We don’t use the term “cry it out,” we prefer “work it out.”  For me, a child crying makes me think of unmet needs, a child who needs something so to “cry it out” seems, to me, like a child’s needs are being neglected.   When we leave our children to “work it out” it is after their needs have been met.  They’re fed, clean, dry and comfortable and are being left to self-soothe.  It’s not my ideal to ever listen to my children cry (baby or 5 year old) but we have decided sometimes it is the better option.  My back will not take 2 hours leaning over the crib side nor will my mood take 2 hours of being frustrated with my baby.  “Working it out” is a coping mechanism for both me and my baby.

I hope the nights get better with Doodle and we go back to a full night’s sleep for everyone but for now, we’re doing the best we can in the way that is best for us.  I’ve learned to not to feel guilty for the parenting choices I make or to worry what others might think because the most important thing is that every decision I make comes from a truly loving place with my child’s well-being in mind.