When Did Having an Opinion Become Something to Apologize for?

I’ve seen a trend among my fellow bloggers recently: disclaimers, apologies, warnings, explanations and defensive statements leading posts.  And I’m not talking about the disclosure of payment we’re required to use or the explanations of affiliate links or even the apologies for foul language or TMI content.  I’m talking about things like “this is just my opinion” and “this was my experience, I don’t judge others who choose differently.”

When I started blogging, I knew that I was putting my words out into the world where anyone could access them.  I know every time I click “publish” that I am leaving myself open to criticism, ridicule and nastiness.  I learned early on to have a thick skin and be able to take it, and if I can’t, then I don’t publish it.

I’ve had two instances of very negative and somewhat hurtful feedback in my little blogging career.  The first came somewhat early and I went on the defensive, I responded to every negative comment and defended my stand point, I published a “retaliation” post, I fought back!  My second was just a few weeks ago, with my “I’m Glad I Found Love in a Low-Tech World” story on Huffington Post.

My initial reaction was to fight again, I wanted to defend myself, make people understand what I meant when I originally wrote those words, where they came from.  The comments honestly didn’t make me mad or hurt my feelings (some of them even made me laugh), I just felt so misunderstood.  But I was too tired that first night.  And the second.  And by the third I had come up with a revised plan to address the negative comments on my blog since I knew people who posted publicly on Huffington were just looking for a reaction, to start trouble.  But then I didn’t have time the fourth day.  Or the fifth.  And by a week on, it didn’t matter to me anymore, I had come to terms with the reactions and moved on.

I consider myself to have a very good “perspective taking” ability.  And while I may not change my opinion to match others’, I can understand when people have an opinion that is different from mine, when not everyone sees the world in my light.  I understand how our life experiences shape how we view things and I’m not one to try to change other people’s minds.  In fact, I’m fascinated by how other people see the world and the differences in our views (probably one of the reasons I love traveling to new places that are so different from my world).

I first stumbled across the concept of perspective taking when we were still living in Dublin.  I had received the book Mind in the Making by Ellen Galinsky as a Christmas present and I used to read it on the quiet train rides to and from the dance studio when I left the girls behind.  The book is subtitled “The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs” and covers other mainstream topics such as focus and self-control; communicating; making connections; critical thinking; taking on challenges; and self-directed, engaged learning.  All things you hear about often.  But perspective taking, simply the ability to understand other people’s opinions, is not one I had heard much about in my studies or reading.

And as I read the chapter (#2, indicating the importance per the author’s opinion), I had a lot of “ah-ha!” moments.  I could relate to what the author was saying, I could look at myself and say “I am good at this,” but I could also look at other people I knew and say “he is not good at this at all!” and it helped me to better understand my relationships and why there was sometimes conflict and disconnect.

It’s also helped me to be more aware of fostering these skills in my children.  I use phrases with them like “how do you think that made her feel?” “what can you do different next time?” and “this is not just about you, your actions affect other people.”  I want them to know and understand that not everyone sees things the way they do.  And even though they are still young and are supposed to be self-involved and self-centered, I figure it is never to early to open their eyes and minds.

And maybe this is why I find these recent disclosures so disturbing.  Sure, I’ve done my share of “to each mommy her own” but I have never apologized for my own opinions and especially not my personal experiences.  It seems like we’ve come to place where we not only can’t see, understand and accept opinions that are different from our own, but we now don’t even expect others to be able to!

We expect that people will disagree (which is perfectly fine and normal) but instead of writing something that we stand behind and are ready to defend, we put up barriers, walls, safeguards to shield our feelings from being hurt by the opposing opinions of others.  We think that by blatantly saying “this is just my opinion and I am not judging those who think differently” we can create that perspective taking, we can help people to see our view.  But that should be inherent in all people.

I will on occasion leave a comment somewhere sharing an opposing opinion, but I always try to do so in a respectful manner, clearly pointing out flaws, inconsistencies or what I view as misconceptions about a topic in the author’s opinion/argument.  And I never do it to change the author’s mind, I leave opposing comments to bring a different side and opinion to the situation.

I definitely don’t expect everyone to see things the way I do, to share my opinions or to accept my opinions even after I make what I think is a pretty killer argument.  But I do expect people to be respectful of my opinions and especially my experiences.  I do expect people to be able to look at my words, read my stories and know they are mine and I’m just sharing, not trying to convince anyone I’m right or they are wrong.

I just wish bloggers didn’t feel the need to be defensive, didn’t feel like they needed defenses put in place to guard themselves and their feelings.  And just as (I hope) you would never walk into someone’s home and start attacking them, you should be just as respectful on someone’s blog.  We are all just putting ourselves out there, sharing our worlds through words and pictures, trying to connect with others.  Most of us are not trying to start controversy or cause trouble, we just have things we want to say and isn’t that our right?