Thanksgiving morning, I got up off the couch after feeding Pipsqueak to get the girls breakfast and had one of my “episodes.” I haven’t had one in a long time and I don’t know that my girls have ever seen it.
I don’t remember exactly when they started, in college maybe? Or after? All I know is that I haven’t had as many in the past 8 years that I’ve been pregnant and/or breastfeeding. And I remember the worst one was shortly after we initially moved to Florida, just before we were married and I got pregnant with Honeybun.
I figured out after a while that they occurred more frequently during my monthly cycle and taking a daily multi-vitamin helped so I’ve always attributed it to possibly anemia (though I’ve never been diagnosed and my blood work always comes back normal). I also have extremely low blood pressure which I’ve always thought is probably the root cause of the problem (typically 90-something over 50-something, even throughout my pregnancies!)
Needless to say, it caught me completely off guard when it happened just a few days ago without any warning, prior symptoms or build up.
The best way to describe one of these “episodes” is as an extreme headrush. You know that feeling you get when you stand up too quickly? It starts like that and then intensifies a thousand percent.
Sometimes I’ll just get the typical headrush that passes quickly. And sometimes it’s more intense and I have to lean over something and wait a few seconds for it to pass.
But other times, it continues to intensify and lasts for what seems like an eternity. Typically the worst ones happen when I hop up too suddenly and am walking, they don’t come on right away like a typical headrush. I feel the rush come on and know to grab whatever is near to get my balance because what happens next is the scary part: my legs and arms get weak and begin to shake, my vision goes black and I am unable to support myself and end up crumpled in a heap on the floor.
The weird thing is, though, it’s not really a “black out” because I remain conscious, aware, the entire time. But I can’t do anything except let it happen, wait for it to pass. Usually once I’m on the floor it takes a few seconds more before I regain any sort of control.
I have no idea what it looks like, maybe the shaking isn’t as visually intense as it feels? Perhaps it doesn’t last as long as it feels like it does? It must not be too scary for observers because both my girls witnessed it on Thanksgiving morning and didn’t freak out.
I head Sugarplum saying “Mommy? Mommy, what are you doing?” as it happened. And once I was on the floor I heard Honeybun’s voice asking if I was okay but neither sounded scared or overly concerned. And for the first time I can remember, I was able to speak before it was over, saying “I’m okay girls, I’m okay,” because I didn’t want them to be worried.
But the most worrying apart about this happening is not my kids seeing it, it’s not knowing if/when it might happen again. I was lucky this time that hubby was home. I’m extremely lucky that I’ve never gotten hurt during my collapsing (there have been times I wasn’t able to hold onto anything as I went down as was the case in my worst one mentioned above).
So now there’s that fear of the next one, the same fears I’ve always had about it, really: What if I’m on/near the stairs? What if I hit my head on something when I collapse? What if one of the kids is too close and I collapse on them? What if I drop and break something I’m holding? What if I’m holding the baby?
